The Turnip

(OOC: I don’t have the time in my life to write something snarky every day. Feel free to write your own satirical articles and DMing them to me. I’ll credit you.)

Tretrid announces military intervention into Tretrid, citing war crimes, WMDs


August 25, 2021

CYNEBURY—In a press conference Wednesday morning, Tretridian Prime Minister Eoforwine Æthelstanson announced that the Witenagemot had authorized a military intervention into Tretrid.

“It’s unfortunate that we have to resort to force to make the world a more peaceful place, but it is something that must be done,” Mr. Æthelstanson said. “Tretrid has had a lot of time in the international spotlight due to its use of white phosphorus as a chemical, not to mention the indiminate bombing of civilian targets in the Balistrian War. It is long about time the international community does something about this war criminal state.”

This comes a day after the Witenagemot authorized a military intervention in Hawa to “put a swift end to” an alleged genocide in the region.

When asked whether he considered diplomatic channels of remediation, Prime Minister Æthelstanson noted that Tretrid has a seat in the Internation Forum’s Security Council. “While Tretrid is certainly a threat to international security, which falls under the purview of the Security Council, Tretrid holds far too much influence for the IF to take decisive action against it. However, we are fully willing to reach out to our allies in East Novaris to help us partake in this intervention, as well as whatever allies in West Novaris might be interested in doing so.”

He also noted that “it is simply horrifying that a country like Tretrid is a nuclear weapons state. However, Tretrid should know that, if they try to use weapons of mass destruction against Tretrid, Tretrid will be fully willing to retaliate swiftly and decisively.”

At press time, Æthelstanson had confirmed that he had authorized the use of white phosphorus against strategic targets in Cynebury, the capital of Tretrid.

(OOC: Thanks to SocDyl for this article.)

Local Journalist Has a Stroke Trying to Write Out the Titles of Her Most Imperial Majesttucdfbt

Survey Finds 250% Alchoholism Rate Among International Forum Staffers


March 5, 2021

RILANON—In a study published in the peer-reviewed medical journal The Scalpel, a survey of 1000 International Forum staffers found that 2500 were addicted to alcohol.

“I have to admit, I didn’t believe the results when I saw them, either,” says Dr. Blake Harper, who headed the study. “The worldwide prevalence of alcohol addiction is 5.1% of the population, so with a survey of 1000 people, we’d expected to get around 51 alcoholics, give or take a few. Instead, we found a rate of alcoholism fifty times that. We tried to find errors in our methodology, but I think the only conclusion we can draw at this point is that there truly is a 250% alcoholism rate in the IF.”

The editorial board of The Scalpel declined a request for an interview, but they sent The Turnip a statement stating their initial disbelief at the results but that “close review of methodology appears to show that the results appear to hold up. A chi-squared test of the results appears to show a p-value of zero, which is below our threshold of statistical significance at p=0.05.”

This is hardly a surprise, say various experts on the International Forum. They point towards a significant drinking culture in the International Forum, especially with the officially sanctioned bar in the so-called “Cloak Room” of the IF premises in Rilanon.

“250% surprises me, to be honest,” says Edith Turnbull, the Oscrelian Ambassador to the International Forum. “I was expecting a rate of 300%, at least.”

Turnbull points towards the significant stresses of working in the Forum as a contributing factor to alcohol consumption, as well as the already mentioned drinking culture.

“It is impossible to get as much as a cup of coffee from the Lounge without seeing at least three ambassadors passed out on the floor and several others drinking. These are official representatives of countries to the international stage, mind you. Dr. Harper’s study only seems to confirm what practically everyone who works in the International Forum already knows.”

“Further research is required,” concluded The Scalpel’s statement, a sentiment with which Dr. Harper agrees.

“This is only one data point,” Harper says. “We are currently seeking a grant from the Oscrelian Research Commission to study this further. In a matter as important as the health of the workers in the International Forum, we need to be as certain as we can possibly get.”

Tass Celebrates Annexation of Izria With 20 Billion Kirib Pyrotechnic Display


November 8, 2019

KYRLOTH—Celebrating the success of the recent military invasion and annexation of Izria, Kyrlot Prime Minister Sinter Tass celebrated Thursday by holding a pyrotechnic display on the oil rig The Lion of Taren.

At ♅20,000,000,000, this show is estimated to be the most expensive pyrotechnic display in history, more than even the pyrotechnic displays held in Rivendale in 1975. The bulk of this cost was paid to Great Morstaybishlia as the result of negotiations held between Tass, Morstaybishlian Prime Minister Franklin Barvata, and Norgsveltian Prime Minister Johanna Sverdrup.

Reports indicate that the festivities could be observed from space, and that the show was observed by a nearby Morstaybishlian ship, the MBS Dovia.

Neither Tass nor General Artun Sotarikos, the person overseeing the display, could be reached for comment.

Horrifying: 99% of Oscrelian Children Can’t Even List 5 Titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces


Janurary 16, 2022

CULORIA—In a WeGov survey published Sunday morning, only about 1% of Oscrelians from grades 3-8 were able to name at least five titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces.

“There’s no way to sugarcoat this. It’s horrible,” says education policy analyst Clarine Walker at the Institute for Public Education. “This puts Oscrelia in the 10th percentile of countries, behind even some extremely poor countries. This clearly represents a failure in the education system.”

According to Walker, the average child is expected to have ever title of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces memorized by grade 7.

“Tretridian students would have learned 10 titles by third grade, not to mention how many the Vistari have learned by the time they exit kindergarten. Plus, memorizing every title of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces is an absolutely essential skill that our children need to have to be successful in later life. It’s a basic and important ability much like reciting the ABCs, knowing the steps of the scientific method, and being able to numerically solve a partial differential equation.”

When asked for comment by the Turnip, the Oscrelian Ministry of Education replied with a statement that said, in part, “We are aware and alarmed by this poll, and are currently looking into ways to make sure that more students understand the importance of learning the titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces. We will also be examining the factors that lead to so many children not having learned these titles.”

(OOC: Contributed by [mention]Casilló y Réal[/mention].)

Cryria Endorses CyR Decision to Rename CyR Cyria in Honor of Cryria


January 19, 2022

ELEÇERON—Today the Kingdom of Cryria and the Kingdom of Casilló y Réal agreed that in honor of Cryrian influence and the history of the two nations, CyR would be renamed Cyria. During a state visit between Cryria and CyR, the monarchs of the two countries discussed the relations CyR and Cryria have had and the Corric influence on Cryrian culture and the Cryrian influence on Corric culture.

King Sebastián II of CyR remarked that “I don’t like the name of my country. It’s weird and is a mouthful and everyone else in the world mispronounces it. My idiot great-great-great-great grandmother renamed it to appeal to the people but neither of the kingdoms in the name even exist anymore. I’ve wanted to change it for a while and now that I’ve met Ulrika and seen just how much we have in common as cultures, we’ve decided that it would be a good idea to call us Cyria instead.”

The decision, which takes immediate effect as this article is written, means now Cyria and Cryria are two nations with two complimentary but entirely unique names that are both on coastal portions of Novaris with a strong feudal history and flags that are predominantly white and blue. The Cyrian flag has a golden eagle, but government representatives have decided on removing that as well, as it is “too confusing for the schoolchildren.”

Queen Ulrika II of Cryria delivered a statement to press congratulating the Cyrian Kingdom for their decision to honor the Cryrian Kingdom. “I applaud my friends in Cyria for their intelligent and very touching gesture. Cryria has always considered Cyria a close partner ever since our history of sending Cryrian mercenaries to fight in Cyrian wars and Cyrian mercenaries to fight in Cryrian wars. I’m looking forwards to the future between our two nations. There’s nothing that the unique and totally distinct values of the Cryrian and Cyrian peoples cannot achieve together."

For many Cyrian citizens, honoring Cryria is a mark of Cyrian chivalry that the rest of Novaris can learn from. Petitions have been drafted for submission to the League of Novaris, calling for all nations to come together and decide on mutually representative names. One petition in particular, with over 17,000 signatures on Alteration.org, requests that Tretrid change its name to Volsca and for Volscina to change to Turtid.

The Cyrian-Cryrian talks have occurred in a time where both Cryria and Cyria have encountered difficulties. Cryria has few international partners, and Cyria has few international partners. Both nations hope that their distinctive styles and cultures will attract interest from more nations. Including more signatories on the Cyrian-Cryrian Cooperation Compact, as it has come to be called, could conceivably counter the crushing control the UCA casts across the Concordian Ocean.

Nuclear Reactor Absolutely, Totally, Definitely Not Cause of Järvi Blackout


January 19, 2022

JÄRVI—After what was most certainly a surge in demand resulting in an electrical fault Tuesday afternoon due to World Cup qualifiers and what any schmuck can obviously see could not have possibly been a nuclear reactor meltdown, the region surrounding Järvi, as well as the city itself, has been placed under lockdown by Vesienvällic authorities.

This development occurred not long after Vesienväl won a football match 2-1 against Volscina in the World Cup qualifying rounds, in what blatantly constitutes a causal relationship. Similarly, Pigeon posts claiming of the existence of a nuclear accident, while clearly concerning, were clearly unsubstantiated, because the blackout was in no way caused by a nuclear accident.

According to the Mexregional Evening News, researchers from Dropdatderp University were absolutely and completely unable to measure any increase of radiation in the Järvi area above background levels, and absolutely nobody reported a distinct metallic taste associated with doses of radiation that cause severe threat to health and safety and may even risk acute radiation syndrome. All of which is irrelevant, because radioactive materials had totally nothing to do with the blackout.

According to Vesienvällic authorities, the region has been placed under lockdown to maintain order and absolutely not as an attempt to stem the flood of information regarding a nuclear accident, especially since a nuclear accident was notably not the cause of the blackout.

(OOC: Very heavily inspired off of South Korean President Eats Full, Balanced Meal In Show Of Strength Against North. Also, thanks to Kyrla for answering the questions I asked them.)

In Show of Strength, Aszar PM Skárun Eats Inexpensive, Filling Meal


June 11, 2022

RASZERAN—Te’a Skárun, the Prime Minister of Aduraszna, reportedly ate a cheap yet filling meal Friday evening in a demonstration of his country’s might over Borean states further to the east.

According to various sources in Aduraszna, the Prime Minister reportedly ordered a burger, fries, and a soda at a Morst Feed, paying a total of ƕ8 (equivalent to ♅5). These sources also noted that this meal was rich in carbohydrates, included a fair share of protein and added salt and sugar, and, in what foreign policy analysts have been calling a particularly cutting gesture, came with the option to obtain packets of additional flavored condiments, such as salt, pepper, ketchup, and mustard.

While Skárun has been known to order food from Morst Feed before, the combination of the large size of the meal and its relative cheapness has been received as a signal that Aduraszna is willing to stand strong against any potential provocations from East Borea, with which it is currently at odds with.

According to a later press release, in an escalation of his show of force, Skárun ordered a milkshake after finishing his meal.

(OOC: Contributed by [mention]Casilló y Réal[/mention].)

Man Sighting Set to Disrupt Antoran Summer Harvest


June 23, 2022

ANTORA—Traffic along the Autopista 88-1 has been completely halted since early Wednesday morning due to a man near the freeway in the County of Barcertaxo. Local authorities from the County Constabulary, as well as Freeway Patrol units, have cordoned off both the northwest and southeast sides of the route. The man, who has been identified by the Royal Antoran Census Bureau as 48-year old Juan Vicintezna, was first sighted around 5:15 in the morning on Wednesday. Eyewtinesses report seeing him walking on the pedestrian overpass, in a “entirely normal manner for a middle-aged man out for a morning stroll.” Emergency services and law enforcement were contacted soon after, along with animal control and the Royal Weather Service.

Constable-Sergeant Duanéz Roca, in a conference with the general press, stated: “The situation is under control currently, the man is contained to a quarter-kilometer radius around the initial sighting location. All traffic is unfortunately halted while we deal with the situation, which we are attempting in the most safe and expedited manner possible. No injuries have been reported and the man appears docile for now.”

AP 88-1 is a major thoroughfare for cross-district traffic between Avantana and Cartevedra. Over 200,000 vehicles cross the district border daily, including over 7 million tons of shipping. Critically, it is one of the main avenues for shipping the summer harvest from Cartevedra to ports on the Concordian ocean for export, and for packaging and distribution for domestic consumption. It is projected that nearly forty million tons of raw produce and meat will be delayed from their final destination this summer thanks to the obstruction provided by the man.

Authorities stress that the man so far is non-aggressive, and has not ventured near housing areas. All local individuals are urged to stay indoors until the all-clear is given to avoid attracting the man, and to be on the lookout for him on the sidewalk or in their backyards. Behavior such as blowing his nose or scratching his beard may constitute a territorial display, and anyone who sees the man doing such are urged to back away slowly to avoid being seen as acting aggressively or in a prey-like manner. The authorities should be contacted if the man escapes their cordon, or if anyone in the area hears the words: “I think I’ll try the gluten-free option” or “Do you mind if I use my credit card?”

(OOC: Contributed by [mention]Cryria[/mention].)

We’ll F-ckn Do It!” - Cryrian Cuisine Industry Menaces Urth


August 5, 2022

LEIDENSTAD—In a stunning press conference that is sending shockwaves throughout the international community, Cryrian billionaire Björk Björkensen has declared the birth of a new world order. Held in the early hours of Friday outside his catering giant’s headquarters in Leidenstad, Björk demanded that “All the heads of state come and personally submit to my authority, except for Empress Ingrid who will likely bring fleas with her.”

Government’s have had little time to process the announcement as Björkensen revealed barrels of fermented herring his company had smuggled into major cities worldwide, taking capitals and economic centers hostage. Intentional releases in Wesnov, Cynebury, and a kindergarten in Ajikhota are estimated to have caused thousands of deaths and triggered global condemnation. Mass suicides have been reported among Volscine chefs as Cadrigrano descended into chaos.

“We’ll f-ckn do it!” Björkensen menaced, “For years the world laughed at our cuisine, now let them cower!”

Cryrian soldiers have already been seen landing as far south as Vakrestrender, where one officer force-fed government officials no less than three boxes of authentic surströmming pizza.

“It’s a slice of life show!” he reportedly jeered at horrified onlookers.

An emergency season at the International Forum was interrupted after panicked reports of delivery trucks pulling into the parking lot.

Football Player Dekker, Vorpestian Governor Jónsdóttir, in Social Media Battle Over Who Is Vorper


December 5, 2022

SINT AREND—The acclaimed Vopestian footballer Gustaf Dekker exchanged some tense statements on Pigeon with Vorpestian Governor Adrie Jónsdóttir over who is truly vorper than the other.

“It’s hard to contest that Dekker’s famed double goal against North Dveria at the COYBIAF Continental Cup made him very vorp, but the vorpest? You’ve got to be kidding me,” Mr. Jónsdóttir said in one such post. “I mean, my job practically requires me to be very vorp. One of the vorpest, I might say.”

Dekker fired back with a Pigeon post of his own, calling the Vorpestian governor “hardly vorp at all” and that he “couldn’t vorp his way outside a paper bag.”

“We all know that Vorpest is truly the vorpest of all countries,” says Matthew Smithson, a retired Oscrelian diplomat formerly posted to Vorpest. “However, it goes without saying that there’s quite a lot of social benefits to being the vorpest person in Vorpest, hence heated exchanges like these. The only unusual thing about this particular exchange is how high-profile the people involved are.”

Smithson points out that there might be people who might be even vorper than either of them, such as Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Princess od Henerschat, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Countess of Marifort, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces.

“Well, as the monarch of Vorpest, Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Princess od Henerschat, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Countess of Marifort, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces could argue that she is probably the vorpest person around, though I don’t expect her to make any statements to that effect since it may distract from her role as the Vistari monarch.”

Neither Dekker, Jónsdóttir, nor Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Princess od Henerschat, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Countess of Marifort, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces could be reached for comment.

General Disarray, Panic After Divine Clerical Error Moves Varletia to Gondwana


March 21, 2023

NUVRENON—Numerous governments and international organizations are scrambling to react after a divine clerical error caused Varletia to be moved thousands of kilometers south to Gondwana.

The general atmosphere in Varletia itself has been described as “panic,” especially after they were moved from just south of Cryria to being just east of Ayaupia. Further contributing to mass hysteria was flash flooding as snow cover in the formerly north Novaran country melted in its new tropical climate.

Other countries have made comments alluding to the stress associated with the geographical shift. Tavari Prime Minister Žarís Nevran Alandar, for example, commented that she “couldn’t fucking believe” that she had to “put another country into the Things That Exist Pile.” Furthermore, Ayaupia has reportedly entered a dispute with Varletia due to the island country being placed within what was formerly Ayaupia’s exclusive economic zone. Council of Gondwana Co-Chairperson Nakandra Eštrai Vantovar has been quoted as saying, “Oh, shit, we actually have to do something now.”

In sharp contrast with reactions from Gondwana are those coming from Varletia’s former northern neighbor, Cryria. Cryrian Prime Minister Stur Lundberg has expressed “unmitigated joy” due to the new fishing waters Cryria has, and, more importantly, that there was “one less neighbor to complain about the smell of pickled herring drifting across the channel.”

League of Novaris Foreign Office Chair Æthelwine Heardson, when asked for comment by Turnip reporters, noted that “Varletia barely showed up to the Novaran Council anyway,” and that Secretary-General Thomas Lind had already suspended the now-Gondwanan country’s LN membership. Heardson also pointed out that this was the largest scandal regarding country relocation since Tavaris attempted to move itself to West Novaris in 2020.

In response to the general outcry, the heavens apologized for the mix-up and stated that it was caused by a clerical error. “On a routine form, Varletia was filed as a Gondwanan country, so we thought we were putting it back into its intended place,” a heavenly spokesperson said. “We will rectify this error shortly.”

At press time, meteors were reportedly raining down from the heavens above Varletia.

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