Horrifying: 99% of Oscrelian Children Can’t Even List 5 Titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces
Janurary 16, 2022
CULORIA—In a WeGov survey published Sunday morning, only about 1% of Oscrelians from grades 3-8 were able to name at least five titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces.
“There’s no way to sugarcoat this. It’s horrible,” says education policy analyst Clarine Walker at the Institute for Public Education. “This puts Oscrelia in the 10th percentile of countries, behind even some extremely poor countries. This clearly represents a failure in the education system.”
According to Walker, the average child is expected to have ever title of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces memorized by grade 7.
“Tretridian students would have learned 10 titles by third grade, not to mention how many the Vistari have learned by the time they exit kindergarten. Plus, memorizing every title of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces is an absolutely essential skill that our children need to have to be successful in later life. It’s a basic and important ability much like reciting the ABCs, knowing the steps of the scientific method, and being able to numerically solve a partial differential equation.”
When asked for comment by the Turnip, the Oscrelian Ministry of Education replied with a statement that said, in part, “We are aware and alarmed by this poll, and are currently looking into ways to make sure that more students understand the importance of learning the titles of Her Most Gracious Imperial Majesty Marium Eva Astrid Cirveledochter Arendsnakomeling van Molebaai, Empress of the Vistara, Empress of the Imperial Dominion of Satō, High Queen of the Monarchs of Duominzu, Queen of Vistaraland, K’undzeti and Queen of Maankijkeland and Briaklandr, Queen of the Grand Dominions: The Grand Dominion of Vorpest, The Grand Dominions of Valerijk, The Grand Dominion of the West Pacific, The Grand Dominion of Vistari North Gondwana and the Grand Dominion of the Vlas Isles, Lead-Commandant of the Vistari Imperial Army and Airmaster-General of the Imperial Air Forces of the Vistari Empire, Uniter of the Confederation, Bringer of Democracy, Defender of the Legacy of Saint Arend, Archduchess of Verteken, Grand Duchess of Molensland, Most Honourable Governess-General of the Dominions of Vorpest, Chibilaba, Leoland, West-Salisar, Greater Uruduland, Zuid-K’undzeti, the Peper Isles, Moderhaven, Richtingspunt, Privaatsland, Katoemia, Suikurst, Azombaast, Turksbai, Lautijland, Vercruna, Maagdaland, Ruimlodi, Vermildager, Natheken, Kanaland, Ruwspoor Linneburg and Rook Isle, Lady Patron of Poberhaven and Kamport and Guardian of the Provinces. We will also be examining the factors that lead to so many children not having learned these titles.”