Unofficial TEP State Media Wire

Old Executive (2011-10/15/2019) Executive Ministries The East Pacific Media Office
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TEP Delegate Spotted in Fashionable Hoodie

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SOMEWHERE IN TEP - The delegate of The East Pacific has made a rare public appearance this Saturday morning, apparently shopping in a popular clothing store, Dalimbar Dresswear & Dungarees. The paparazzi arrived on the scene shortly thereafter, which consisted of a backwards hillbilly named Jethro toting a Polaroid disposable camera and his dog “Scoots”. Some guy named Bluto arrived later with a video camera with the price tag still on it, presumably pilfered from New South Hell. Police are still inquiring on his whereabouts.

“The store is so bright!” McCloud said as he stared at the flash from the Polaroid camera like a deer in headlights. “Camera!”

The delegate has made very little cameo appearances this term, and rumor has it he lost his mind some time ago. Sources indicate that a certain type of neurotic personality has always been a part of his demeanor, so all may not be lost. Regardless, some say his transparentness is a good thing, others say he prefers chocolate over vanilla. They would, of course, be wrong.

He was spotted wearing some kind of green dinosaur hoodie, possibly of the aquatic variant. He was also wearing non-tinted glasses, and had his hair raised slightly, probably from trying on many different types of clothes. A pile of clothes were peeking from the dressing room, indicating that he had already went through racks of clothes before arriving at the recent outfit.

When asked if he was going to buy said hoodie, he responded by saying “everyone likes dinosaurs.” Clearly this is a political move. “I like to wear the latest in Loopian fashion,” he added, probably as a cover. When reminded that Loopian fashion involves a lot of caek and Apple logos, Todd added, “apples are a good food one can live off of for a weekend or so.”

Todd was also asked about the recent crisis in the game. He responded by saying “there was a crisis?”

Before he bolted to the cash register to pay for the garment, someone commented on the fact that he had apparently tried on a pink hoodie with the Packilvanian HIVE logo on it, but did not buy it. “But I’m already assimilated,” was his only response. He then left the store and seemed to be walking toward “Krulltopia Carrots, Peas, and Dates”, probably to continue his search for “water that tastes like pretzels” (Editor’s note: the water comment is merely speculative, as we only heard water and pretzels in the same sentence).

This news reporter was able to trade the photograph snapped earlier for an x-men action figure owned by some person named Unibot, who probably stole it from A Mean Old Man (at least that’s what he appeared to look like). Jethro was pleased.

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TEP Delegate Spotted in Hieroglyphics

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SOMEWHERE IN TEP - A recent excavation in Osiris has revealed what appears to be a stone tablet depicting a humanesque figure with its head bearing a striking resemblance to the current delegate of The East Pacific, Todd McCloud. The figure, which stands roughly 10’8’’ tall, appears to be holding a crook and staff of unknown purpose.

Pictures were taken of the stone edifice in black and white, and then re-colored in technicolor. Accusations of tampering by photoshop were strongly denounced, as analysts who studied images of this artifact reportedly “could tell this image was not shopped after seeing a lot of 'shops in their lifetime.” The mere fact that the analysts were all political science majors is of course immaterial.

Osirologists have begun deciphering the hieroglyphs and have determined the left-hand grouping reads ‘graceful moron’ while the right-hand grouping reads ‘Oh wow we can’t believe you’re actually reading this. Seriously. Don’t you have something better to do than to translate these seven or so hieroglyph symbols? This must’ve taken you a long time. Like, reading a Unibot vs. A Mean Old Man argument. Or a thread with that Black Pineapple / Antarial person. What? You’re still reading this? We should probably end this right now, or very soon people are probably going to wonder why adding one extra ‘glyph’ changes a response from a two-word phrase to an entire paragraph that includes current NS figures. Hear that? Yeah. That’s the last train to funny. Peace out.’

Premier McCloud issued a statement regarding the recent developments. “I didn’t expect this story to come out until next week, but I must say, they got my image pretty good. My hair looks nice, and I didn’t know my cheeks were that fuzzy. Maybe it’s the stylish scarf.” When asked how an image of his likeness could appear on a 3,000-year-old tablet, he added, “Clearly this is an indication that my image permeates through time.”

Strangely enough, reports of the delegate owning a TARDIS have surfaced before, but were reportedly ‘grossly misconstrued’ by his army of bodyguards, namely, his left and right fists, aptly named ‘screw’ and ‘you’.

The piece is now being displayed at some random middle school art exhibit, and has apparently been damaged by graffiti. Some kid etched ‘poop head’ in the bottom-left corner. He is currently facing a life sentence, and a permanent name change to first name “Poop” and last name “Head”.

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TEP Delegate Hospitalized with Angry Gallbladder

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SOMEWHERE IN TEP - In what has become known as a ‘day of mourning’, the Todd McCloud’s beloved gallbladder was laid to rest after holding the delegate hostage for some 18 hours after the surgery, reports have indicated.

“None of you got the stones to off me, and you know it!” the personified gland shouted from the operating room as he held a nickel-plated .45 to the head of the unconscious fox… thing. “But I got the stones! And I got a whole lot of them!”

The gallbladder, which wishes to be known as the “Bane of all Existence”, or “Bane” for short, first began to cause issues to the befallen delegate some time in mid-October, where the delegate reported being “unable to breathe” and “smelling cabbage… lots and lots of cabbage”. He was diagnosed with gallstones shortly thereafter. Subsequent visits netted the same results, but increased insurance costs, giving Todd a pain in the ass in addition to a pain in the gut. The writing was on the wall when on Tuesday, Doctor Punk (under the assumed name “Punk D.” for short), demanded the delegate have the gland removed for fear of it rupturing or causing damage to the liver.

While Todd was under anesthesia (and in a fashionable gown / shower cap / breathing tube that was definitely bought from Yelda, of course), the gallbladder was removed - a whopping 4.5’’ long - around twice the size of a typical gallbladder, apparently loaded with gallstones, scar tissue, and some other stuff that is currently being tested. The gland then proceeded to speak, pull a loaded gun from the colon (what a gun was doing there is still unknown), and held the OR hostage, shouting obscenities at some of the NS mods.

Clearly, the gland needed to be whacked.

The whacking-off was performed by none other than Hileville and Rachel Anumia, two candidates for delegacies in a feeder and a sinker, respectively, who shot the bad bladder with a bow-and-arrow, then proceeded to pile on deadly shurikans into it, spilling a collection of gallstones upon the floor.

“My hero!” Todd said immediately, waking up from the ordeal and clutching a potted plant, apparently still under the influence of anesthesia.

The delegate is currently recovering from the removal of the bad organ, and is on enough pain meds to kill a young bull. He reportedly popped a stitch or two while laughing about something yesterday, but really no one cares all that much.

((Note: I actually did have my gallbladder removed Thursday, and some of what is written here is true. Obviously. I thought about posting some images, but thought it would result in the news article getting removed or edited for content. Hence why there’s a fairly innocent drawing of a healthy gallbladder as the picture. I’m still recovering, still in a lot of pain, but I will live of course!))

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Note: I suppose until we get a media officer, this will have to do. I’ve been posting some (hopefully) amusing news stories over the course of a few weeks, so if you have any news you’d like to share concerning the region, have at it.