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The highest and most beautiful things in life are not to be heard about,
nor read about, nor seen but, if one will, are to be lived.
Søren Kierkegaard
Maybe he knew he was alive but wished he were dead, or perhaps even, it was the disbelief that he could have possibly survived that had kept him frozen motionless while he listened to the strange incoherent sounds around him.
“How is he today Elysia? … No change, I take it? Do not worry miss, I believe he will be just fine. He is recovering slowly but give him time to heal. He is in good hands.”
The incomprehensible language sounded strange and foreign, like something from another planet or time. Damon struggled to listen while the nearby machines forcefully pushed air into his lungs. Every minute he spent awake was torturous in his current state for he felt little more than a head and half a chest attached to a machine that was breathing for him.
It was over the next few days that Damon gradually regained his bearings. He was able to learn that he was indeed alive. The pain he felt break through the heavy drug induced states periodically reminded him this was no dream. In the moments when the paralytic agents and the pain medication broke enough to allow him to feel his body, he grew more consciously aware that he was relatively intact with the exception of his right arm. Each conscious moment brought him closer to the realization he could no longer move nor experience sensation in his right arm, if the arm was even there…he dared not look.
A week passed as Damon explored his body in the broken conscious states. More frequently he experienced consciousness, learning that he must have been in a hospital. He knew he had at least two or three different nurses on a given day. He also knew that they came to check on him every fifteen to thirty minutes, a time he determined by the mechanical puffs delivered by the machine. Somewhere half way through the week, one of the nurses suspected he was regaining consciousness, but he was able to sufficiently stave them off from coming to the conclusion he was quite aware of what was going on.
Through it all, a warm presence, no doubt Elysia, drifted in and out during his conscious moments. She came a few times a day, holding his hand and willing him back with kind desperate pleas.
It was no surprise though, when the nurse finished assessing her charge and stepped out of the room that Damon snapped open his eyes for the first time. The room was darkened for comfort and it was impossible to tell whether it was day or night outside. The machine breathing for him became an intolerable annoyance as he tried to breathe on his own. The high pressure alarm sounded as Damon fought against the mechanical breathing. Giving the machine control, Damon struggled a moment to synchronize his breathing with the machine, silencing the alarm. Uncomfortably breathing, he looked around his room. More tubes and lines were attached to him than he could immediately count. Escape would be difficult. Elysia was not present, which meant that it must have been late night. He only had thirteen more minutes.
He struggled to sit, learning at that moment that his right arm was still attached but not functioning. He stared at the lifeless limb resting at his side and willed it to move but it remained motionless. He touched the arm and felt that it was warm but could barely distinguish his own fingers pressing into the skin of his arm. Something was wrong. Ten minutes.
Fear began to grip him. What had happened? His last memory was of the sky and Elysia’s panicked face, but even those moments were vague memories in his mind. His chest began to sear from the exertion of forcing himself into a sitting position. Lines tugged at his skin as he fought against their short connections. Clearly it was not intended that he should sit. Eight minutes.
Stilled by his lost memory, mysterious pain, and nonfunctioning arm, Damon temporarily lost track of time. The machine again resumed its annoyance over him. In a desperate attempt to escape, he used his left arm to pull at the tube. Instantly, he felt a choking sensation as he realized the tube was inserted into his trachea and would not be removed so easily. He pulled again, disconnecting the tube from the machine and immediately, he regretted the decision. He fought to catch even a single breath, but found his lungs could not take in as much air as he needed. The tube inserted down his throat sufficiently blocked his attempts to take in more air. Fighting for a breath of air, he grasped at his throat, again trying to pull out the tube as the low pressure alarm from the ventilator sounded.
Losing oxygen quickly, Damon became lightheaded. The sounds of nearby footsteps rushing his way became louder and more urgent. He was so close to freedom. Just another minute or two. That was all he needed. Pulling what tubes and lines he could out, he pushed himself towards the edge of the bed. His vision blurred and danced with blackness but he continued on, pulling himself closer to the edge with the bedrail.
“Oh my goodness! I need help! He’s awake,” a terrified voice sounded as several more rushing pairs of footsteps joined.
Several hands pushed his weakened body back into place on the bed. He still struggled to breathe, his vision closing around him. Gasping and pulling at the tube, he found his arm restrained quickly. Fear crept into his eyes. What was happening?
He looked around before a nurse stabilized his head while another nurse manually bagged air into him. His eyes met the nurse’s eyes holding his head; locked in a moment that seemed an eternity. Please his eyes pleaded. The empathetic eyes looking back into his own, as if to say, “it’ll be okay.”
“What’s his name?”
“Diehl. Damon Diehl. Why?”
The man holding his head turned back to Damon, his eyes again looking into Damon’s fear stricken desperately pleading gaze. “Damon. You are in a hospital. You were injured. We are here to help you. But we need you to relax, okay?” the man’s voice was reassuring despite the evident stress in the room.
Even while the other nurses pulled at him and reattached the various lines he removed, the man continued to look into Damon’s eyes, a solitary stable figure amid the chaos. However, the fear still filled Damon as he clenched his jaw, biting down on the tube sustaining his life. He tried to shake his head, but the man held his head firm. He tried to fight for his freedom, to regain an ounce of independence. All was gone. All control he possessed had been removed. He was powerless against these people who were free to do whatever they liked to him. He fought against them all in that moment, bucking and arching his back against the arms. He kicked and tried to roll away but found that many hands immediately returned him to his position. Again he struggled until he realized that he was no longer breathing.
The realization that he stopped breathing brought with it the fear of his impending death. He tried to breathe, but his body would not move. All muscles simultaneously weakened as he slumped into the bed. Staring up, unable to even blink, Damon watched the others nearby him finish reconnecting the machines.
“He’s paralyzed now. Someone get him a sedative please. He doesn’t need to be awake for this,” one of the voices pleaded.
Powerless, frozen, unable to move a single muscle, Damon stared straight ahead of him. He shed but a single tear, all that was needed to convey his absolute helplessness and powerlessness. It was all needed to bring back the eyes.
“Damon…hey…it’ll be okay. We’re just trying to help. We’re going to give you something to help you sleep now. You’ll be okay…” the voice faded into blackness as the sedatives began to kick in, plunging him into sleep.
Meanwhile, the panic of the room settled as the staff finished connecting Damon back to ventilator. As the chaos settled, the help dispersed slowly, until all but two nurses remained. Together they stood by Damon’s bedside, watching the mechanically forced rising and falling of Damon’s chest.
“Do you think he can still hear us?”
“I am not sure. He did give us quite the scare although. I had no idea he was awake, did you?”
“Not a clue, but he could have just woken up. Poor kid. This has got to be terrifying for him, to awake to a strange place in a different nation, and not remember how you got there or what happened.”
“I think that might be the last of his worries when he wakes up again. Let’s let him get his rest now. He will need it for his recovery…he has a long road ahead of him.”
With the conclusion of the conversation, both nurses drifted out of the room, leaving Damon to his drug induced sleep.