» Akimonadi-Milogradian VHUBLOL-42 Dodo Epicbomber
“The world’s most epic bomber.”
Developed in cooperation with Questers and Franberry
[We would normally insert a picture here; however, the Epicbomber is simply too epic to be captured by a camera.]
The Dodo Epicbomber was designed by a coalition of Akimonadi, Franberrian and Questerian aerospace companies to fulfill the need for a bomber that could surpass lulz at sea level. The Epicbomber was created as the first bomber to reach epic lulz in stable flight.
The Dodo is designed in a biplane layout, with a forward-swept wing on top and a delta wing on the bottom. Many of the engines are carried on the delta wing, while the turboprops are mounted on the forward-swept wing in a pusher configuration, so as not to impair any missile or rocket payloads mounted on the wing’s pylons.
The Dodo is powered by a variety of different engines and propulsions systems, which give the Dodo some ‘epic’ capabilities. Besides being able to go supersonic, the Dodo can hover via tiltrotors and liftfans. The tiltrotors are rotodynes because, in the words of the engineers, they “provide even more epicness and badassery”. The Dodo is also equipped with an F-1 rocket engine for short takeoff assistance.
The Dodo is designed to carry so-called ‘epic’ payloads, and can carry incendiaries, high explosives, fuel-air explosives, cluster bombs, orphans, and nuclear payloads within the confines of its bomb bays. The Dodo can carry so many bombs that bombardiers are generally unable to drop them all. This has been the source of much merriment, as the Dodo can function effectively as its own storage.
The pylons on the Dodo allow it to carry small bombs outside the bays, as well as AAMs; ATGMs; AShMs; ARMs; Rockets; Gun Pods; External Tanks; Internal External Tanks; External Internal Tanks; Targeting/Electronics Pods; toasters (industrial-size, of course); small boomboxes; small experimental aircraft; care packages containing any assortment of cookies, brownies, and/or caek (if/when the caek is not a lie); a cluster bomb containing 15 individually dispensed Pataari warriors (perhaps the most fearsome of any air-dispensed warriors); and, curiously enough, two 500-litre barrels of Fine Liqueurs of varying potential assortment (a feature added at the Franberrian president’s request, who notes he prefers rieslings, but supposes he could accept if you decided to fill it with some proletarian drink like whisky, you pleb).
In the self-defense department, the Dodo carries two QF 2 “Pom Pom” guns mounted in ventral and dorsal arrangements. The Dodo can also carry air-to-air missiles for heightened defense, but this is generally not recommended, especially by the Questarian engineers in the project, who have said that “tha’ bloody pompom works jus’ fine for killin’ the hun, eh chap?” [EDITOR’S NOTE: We would like to point out that the Questarian in question was drinking gin out of his pith helmet at the time of this quote.]
The Dodo is unique in that it is one of the only supersonic strategic bombers that can also dive-bomb.
The Dodo is also able to transport 50 fully-equipped paratroopers deep into enemy territory. The Dodo’s high-altitude and supersonic capabilities allow it to easily breach enemy airspace while shrugging off any pursuing missiles or fighters.
One crewmember serves as Imam for the mosque included with the Dodo. The mosque is contained inside a gondola and deployed by balloon. The whole balloon is towed by the Dodo. Tests indicate that religious ceremonies can be conducted at speeds exceeding Mach 1.2.
One of the comforts added for the crew is an inflatable “Moon Bounce” similar to those used at birthday parties and social functions.
The total developments costs for the aircraft are still being computed by several universities’ Colleges of Mathematics, but they are estimated at $10 trillion. One person received his doctorate from one of the universities based on his groundbreaking work on analysing just the receipts for the rivets used in construction. Sadly, he committed suicide shortly afterward due to an apparent nervous breakdown.
It is estimated that the paperwork pertaining to the Epicbomber and its construction weighs approximately twice as much as the Epicbomber itself, and could generate some 2.3 billion paper airplanes.
Many of the extreme costs are attributed to test failures. In one live-fire test incident, the F-1 Engine of a prototype Dodo exploded, detonating the live payloads the Dodo held and killing 500 people. Engineers on the project called the disaster a “minor setback”.
In another supersonic test, the fuel-laden forward-swept wing of a Dodo was torn off and crashed into the Franberrian hospital for orphans, killing 300.
At a Questarian air show, one of the Trent turbofans of an experimental airframe (on static display) tore out of the fuselage and collided with a stand filled with spectators, killing 155. Engineers said they were “stunned” by the fact that “the plane actually managed to start an engine”.
Though the Dodo has experienced many setbacks the project was so ‘epic’ that the cooperating companies decided to press forward no matter the cost.
The Dodo entered service in Akimonad late last year, and several months later in Franberry and Questaria. Its kill ratio is estimated at ∞ losses to 1 kill.
The Dodo is in service in Questaria with the alternate designation of the “Chicken Epicbomber”.
The Epicbomber is available in configurations with Sunni or Shia mosques, as well as a Burger King replacing the mosque for heathen countries, or you can customize with the new ‘Build Your Own Place of Worship’ facility.
PRICE PER UNIT: $500 billion.
DPRs: not available at this time.
Features currently being researched:
Nuclear propulsion.
Amphibious capability via pontoons.
More efficient and eco-friendly fuel based on a 75/25 mix of nitromethane and ethically-obtained orphans.
Sheep Pasture.
Working Hydroponic garden watered by jet fuel or aforementioned new fuel.
Salt mine.
Toy factory (for winning Hearts and Minds of enemies).
Cotton candy machine (see above).
Sixteen screen cinema (for entertainment of the irreligious).
Battering ram.
Important Statistics and Technical DrivelDetails
Type: Supersonic biplane strategic diving tiltrotor bomber/transport
Length: 60m
Wingspan: 85m (Top wing is forward-swept, bottom is delta wing)
Height: 20m
Propulsion:
4x Rolls-Royce Trent 8104 Turbofans (507 kN thrust each)
2x Eurojet EJ200 Turbojets (90 kN each)
1x Rocketdyne F-1 (6.9 MN)
8x P & W PT6C Turboprop/Tiltrotors (2300 shp each, 6 in tiltrotor configuration, one on
nose, one on tail)
2x Liftfans (Approx 89 kN each)
Empty Weight: 120,000 kg
Normal Weight: 165,000 kg
Maximum Take-Off Weight: 220,000 kg
Normal Payload: 45,000 kg
Maximum Payload: 50,000 kg
Combat Range: 8,000 km with full normal payload
Ferry Range: 10,000 km
Operational Ceiling/Altitude: 70,000 ft
Maximum Altitude: 80,000 ft
Cruising Speed:
230 mph on props only
565 mph with turbofans (w/o afterburner) only
600 mph on F-1 only
Supercruising Speed:
Mach 1.2 on full afterburner with turbofans only
Mach 1.43 with turbofans and F-1
Maximum Speed: Mach 1.6
Rate of Climb: 2,000 ft/min on turbofans, 4,200 ft/min on turbofans and F-1
Number of pylons: Sixteen, eight on each wing. Hardpoints on top wing for missiles/rockets only.
Crew (List): 2 pilots, 2 engineers, 3 bombardiers, 3 navigators/radar operators, 1 Imam, capable of transporting 50 paratroopers
Avionics: GPS and inertial navigation, AESA radar, doppler radar and lightning detectors, FLIR, IRST, and many other fancy initialisms. There is also an option for a Shansekian HAL9001 supercomputer, similar to the model that has defeated five world chess champions in as many years.
Note: Potential buyers are warned that the HAL9001 has, in the past, developed self-consciousness and taken control of the Epicbomber. It is advised that the HAL9001 is limited mainly in scope to providing crew entertainment (i.e. pornographic materials) as this will keep both the HAL9001 and the crew stimulated and focused.
