Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries is your source for a wide range of quality products. Founded as a joint venture in 2012, AMCI is one of the largest diversified multinational conglomerates in the world, providing solutions for national defence, sanitation, stationery, telecommunications, food service, and more.

AMCI is traded on the Commonwealth Stock Exchange. Investment firms in Akimonad and Milograd collectively hold a permanent 33% share, and Firema holds a 33% share, with the rest divided among foreign investors. The Akimonadi and Milogradian shareholders hold two special voting shares and Firema holds one.

AMCI does not sell to nations embargoed or otherwise restricted by either Akimonad or Milograd.


“AMCI is my source for all the sanitation and stationery products that I use everyday, such as the Model 97 Pencil!” - Alizee, Morieux

“AMCI stole my baby!” - Markus, Ostehoek

» Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 95 Phone
“The telecommunications device of the future!”

These days, so many telephones are available on the market. Many of them are just the same rehashed designs. They’re all complicated smartphones with big screens and small batteries. You don’t want something like that. You want something unique, something simple, something intuitive. We did too, which is why we’ve created the Model 95 Phone.

The Phone is an advanced telecommunications device for the modern era. It features touch-tone dialing, including the advanced functionality of the * and # keys. It is capable of local, long-distance, and international calling, and the sound quality is terrific. The interface is simple and easy to understand. It even includes a small window where you can insert a slip of paper with your phone number, so that you don’t have to remember it.

The Phone comes in a fetching array of many colors. Beige is shown here, but also available are: black, white, red, blue, green, yellow, orange, purple, pink, and grey. The Phone is sure to fit with any decor.

The Phone is connected via wire to the main telephone network, giving in unmatched reliability. Dropped calls will be a thing of the past. It also has two volume levels for the ringtone, should you need a quieter environment.

The Phone does not have a battery, meaning that you never have to worry about it running out of juice. If it’s plugged in, it will work!

Technical Specifications

Developer: Kent Instruments
Form factor: Corded desk telephone
Operating system: n/a
Display: n/a
CPU: n/a
Storage capacity: n/a
Memory: You will need a large one to remember all your friends’ phone numbers. (Optional: Rolodex)
Audio: Single earpiece with integrated microphone
Input: 12 buttons (0-9, *, and #)
Camera: n/a
Connectivity: One RJ-11 jack
Cord length: About 1m (3 ft).

This fantastical technological innovation is available for the low price of just $20 per unit.

Out of the office? Running errands? In the toilet? Just don’t want to answer the phone? Try the new Answering Machine. Based on two Compact Cassettes, this amazing device can automatically greet callers and record short messages from them that you can listen to later! This device can be purchased alongside the Phone for just $40 extra.

We apologies, but domestic production rights are currently not available for this product. Please check back soon.

» Akimonadi-Milogradian VHUBLOL-42 Dodo Epicbomber
“The world’s most epic bomber.”

Developed in cooperation with Questers and Franberry

[We would normally insert a picture here; however, the Epicbomber is simply too epic to be captured by a camera.]

The Dodo Epicbomber was designed by a coalition of Akimonadi, Franberrian and Questerian aerospace companies to fulfill the need for a bomber that could surpass lulz at sea level. The Epicbomber was created as the first bomber to reach epic lulz in stable flight.

The Dodo is designed in a biplane layout, with a forward-swept wing on top and a delta wing on the bottom. Many of the engines are carried on the delta wing, while the turboprops are mounted on the forward-swept wing in a pusher configuration, so as not to impair any missile or rocket payloads mounted on the wing’s pylons.

The Dodo is powered by a variety of different engines and propulsions systems, which give the Dodo some ‘epic’ capabilities. Besides being able to go supersonic, the Dodo can hover via tiltrotors and liftfans. The tiltrotors are rotodynes because, in the words of the engineers, they “provide even more epicness and badassery”. The Dodo is also equipped with an F-1 rocket engine for short takeoff assistance.

The Dodo is designed to carry so-called ‘epic’ payloads, and can carry incendiaries, high explosives, fuel-air explosives, cluster bombs, orphans, and nuclear payloads within the confines of its bomb bays. The Dodo can carry so many bombs that bombardiers are generally unable to drop them all. This has been the source of much merriment, as the Dodo can function effectively as its own storage.

The pylons on the Dodo allow it to carry small bombs outside the bays, as well as AAMs; ATGMs; AShMs; ARMs; Rockets; Gun Pods; External Tanks; Internal External Tanks; External Internal Tanks; Targeting/Electronics Pods; toasters (industrial-size, of course); small boomboxes; small experimental aircraft; care packages containing any assortment of cookies, brownies, and/or caek (if/when the caek is not a lie); a cluster bomb containing 15 individually dispensed Pataari warriors (perhaps the most fearsome of any air-dispensed warriors); and, curiously enough, two 500-litre barrels of Fine Liqueurs of varying potential assortment (a feature added at the Franberrian president’s request, who notes he prefers rieslings, but supposes he could accept if you decided to fill it with some proletarian drink like whisky, you pleb).

In the self-defense department, the Dodo carries two QF 2 “Pom Pom” guns mounted in ventral and dorsal arrangements. The Dodo can also carry air-to-air missiles for heightened defense, but this is generally not recommended, especially by the Questarian engineers in the project, who have said that “tha’ bloody pompom works jus’ fine for killin’ the hun, eh chap?” [EDITOR’S NOTE: We would like to point out that the Questarian in question was drinking gin out of his pith helmet at the time of this quote.]

The Dodo is unique in that it is one of the only supersonic strategic bombers that can also dive-bomb.

The Dodo is also able to transport 50 fully-equipped paratroopers deep into enemy territory. The Dodo’s high-altitude and supersonic capabilities allow it to easily breach enemy airspace while shrugging off any pursuing missiles or fighters.

One crewmember serves as Imam for the mosque included with the Dodo. The mosque is contained inside a gondola and deployed by balloon. The whole balloon is towed by the Dodo. Tests indicate that religious ceremonies can be conducted at speeds exceeding Mach 1.2.

One of the comforts added for the crew is an inflatable “Moon Bounce” similar to those used at birthday parties and social functions.

The total developments costs for the aircraft are still being computed by several universities’ Colleges of Mathematics, but they are estimated at $10 trillion. One person received his doctorate from one of the universities based on his groundbreaking work on analysing just the receipts for the rivets used in construction. Sadly, he committed suicide shortly afterward due to an apparent nervous breakdown.

It is estimated that the paperwork pertaining to the Epicbomber and its construction weighs approximately twice as much as the Epicbomber itself, and could generate some 2.3 billion paper airplanes.

Many of the extreme costs are attributed to test failures. In one live-fire test incident, the F-1 Engine of a prototype Dodo exploded, detonating the live payloads the Dodo held and killing 500 people. Engineers on the project called the disaster a “minor setback”.

In another supersonic test, the fuel-laden forward-swept wing of a Dodo was torn off and crashed into the Franberrian hospital for orphans, killing 300.

At a Questarian air show, one of the Trent turbofans of an experimental airframe (on static display) tore out of the fuselage and collided with a stand filled with spectators, killing 155. Engineers said they were “stunned” by the fact that “the plane actually managed to start an engine”.

Though the Dodo has experienced many setbacks the project was so ‘epic’ that the cooperating companies decided to press forward no matter the cost.

The Dodo entered service in Akimonad late last year, and several months later in Franberry and Questaria. Its kill ratio is estimated at ∞ losses to 1 kill.

The Dodo is in service in Questaria with the alternate designation of the “Chicken Epicbomber”.

The Epicbomber is available in configurations with Sunni or Shia mosques, as well as a Burger King replacing the mosque for heathen countries, or you can customize with the new ‘Build Your Own Place of Worship’ facility.

PRICE PER UNIT: $500 billion.
DPRs: not available at this time.

Features currently being researched:
Nuclear propulsion.
Amphibious capability via pontoons.
More efficient and eco-friendly fuel based on a 75/25 mix of nitromethane and ethically-obtained orphans.
Sheep Pasture.
Working Hydroponic garden watered by jet fuel or aforementioned new fuel.
Salt mine.
Toy factory (for winning Hearts and Minds of enemies).
Cotton candy machine (see above).
Sixteen screen cinema (for entertainment of the irreligious).
Battering ram.

Important Statistics and Technical DrivelDetails
Type: Supersonic biplane strategic diving tiltrotor bomber/transport
Length: 60m
Wingspan: 85m (Top wing is forward-swept, bottom is delta wing)
Height: 20m

4x Rolls-Royce Trent 8104 Turbofans (507 kN thrust each)
2x Eurojet EJ200 Turbojets (90 kN each)
1x Rocketdyne F-1 (6.9 MN)
8x P & W PT6C Turboprop/Tiltrotors (2300 shp each, 6 in tiltrotor configuration, one on
nose, one on tail)
2x Liftfans (Approx 89 kN each)
Empty Weight: 120,000 kg
Normal Weight: 165,000 kg
Maximum Take-Off Weight: 220,000 kg
Normal Payload: 45,000 kg
Maximum Payload: 50,000 kg
Combat Range: 8,000 km with full normal payload
Ferry Range: 10,000 km
Operational Ceiling/Altitude: 70,000 ft
Maximum Altitude: 80,000 ft
Cruising Speed:

230 mph on props only
565 mph with turbofans (w/o afterburner) only
600 mph on F-1 only
Supercruising Speed:
Mach 1.2 on full afterburner with turbofans only
Mach 1.43 with turbofans and F-1
Maximum Speed: Mach 1.6
Rate of Climb: 2,000 ft/min on turbofans, 4,200 ft/min on turbofans and F-1
Number of pylons: Sixteen, eight on each wing. Hardpoints on top wing for missiles/rockets only.
Crew (List): 2 pilots, 2 engineers, 3 bombardiers, 3 navigators/radar operators, 1 Imam, capable of transporting 50 paratroopers
Avionics: GPS and inertial navigation, AESA radar, doppler radar and lightning detectors, FLIR, IRST, and many other fancy initialisms. There is also an option for a Shansekian HAL9001 supercomputer, similar to the model that has defeated five world chess champions in as many years.

Note: Potential buyers are warned that the HAL9001 has, in the past, developed self-consciousness and taken control of the Epicbomber. It is advised that the HAL9001 is limited mainly in scope to providing crew entertainment (i.e. pornographic materials) as this will keep both the HAL9001 and the crew stimulated and focused.

» Akimonadi-Milogradian “Havgard” Model 97 Pencil
“The ideal pencil for the working man!”

The Akimonadi-Milogradian M97 Pencil in its famous blue coat. ( Above )

Formal Name: Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencil
Weight: 6-7 Grams
Length: 18.288cm
Width: .84cm
-> Core Width: .23cm


The Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 pencil’s core consists of graphite mixed with clay binder and charcoal. All standard models are colored navy blue. The pencil’s body is carved from cedar, which was chosen due to its straight grain, its natural resistance to decay and ease of sharpening. The pencil’s eraser consists of soft vinyl, which is ideal for precision erasing and removing light marks. Akimonadi-Milogradian pencils can also be ordered with art gum erasers, although such is not standard. The pencil’s eraser ferrule is made of aluminum. A hexagonal shape is standard with every Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencil’s body, although the ferrule of the pencil is circular, whilst the head of the pencil is conic.


for fucks sake it’s a pencil you write with it D:<


The pencils are sold in bulk with three different amount variations; one can purchase the Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencil in boxs of 12, 24, or 48. Prices are as follows:

12 Box of Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencils: $2.50 USD
24 Box of Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencils: $5.50 USD
48 Box of Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencils: $12.00 USD
Boxs including pencils with art gum erasers cost an additional dollar per every twelve pencils. The Akimonadi-Milogradian Model 97 Pencil can be purchased from Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries. Domestic Production Rights are not available for this product.

» Model 098 Tactical Rock
“The Greatest Weapon of War Ever Devised!”

A typical model of the M98 Tactical Rock. ( Above )

Formal Name: Model 98 Tactical Rock
Weight: Generally About 0.48 pounds
Length: Varies
Width: Varies
Speed: Varies by Thrower
Maximum Height: Varies by Thrower
pH Level: 3
Price: $10 Per Pound of Stones


The Model 98 Tactical Rock is a innovative projectile weapon designed, produced, and sold by Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries. Guhya Kahitik, one of its engineers, is responsible for inventing the concept. He has never revealed how he was inspired to think up the product, nor has it ever been publicly revealed how it is manufactured. Regardless, the tactical rock itself is capable of being utilized in countless, if not almost all, modern combat scenarios. It is an extremely durable weapon capable of inflicting a great deal of damage upon its opponents, and its applications are unlimited in number.


A Model 98 Tactical Rock is designed to be useful in a vast number of various combat situations, and is best used as a projectile. A user can launch a Model 98 Tactical Rock by grabbing it with their dominant hand, bringing their dominant arm back behind their heads, and whipping their arm down and forward in the direction that they wish to launch the tactical rock. Upon doing this, they should release their grip on the rock so that it may travel towards its intended target. Generally weighing nearly half a gram, this technology is light in weight and is thus easy to throw.

These tactical rocks can also be launched through catapults and cannons, though it is most common for a user of this product to physically launch it with their own arms. It is capable of injuring people and animals. Model 98 Tactical Rocks can also be used to damage objects, create sound distractions, or as makeshift drums. They can be used in countless other applications as their user sees fit.

Model 98 Tactical Rocks can be sharpened to inflict more damage on targets.


The tactical rocks are only sold in large groups, and they can be purchased by the pound. One pound’s worth of tactical rocks will cost a customer ten universal standard dollars, but there is no limit to how many tactical rocks one can purchase. Several accessories can be purchased alongside tactical rocks for an additional fee:

Large Rock Holding Bag: $10.00 USD
Pointy Stick: $5.50 USD
M98 Tactical Rock - The Instruction Manual: $20.00 USD
Domestic Production Rights are not available for this product. All orders of this technology can be sent to the Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries’ offices in Kent, Akimonad or Kremho, Milograd.

© Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries 2012

» R-900 Supreme Deathstick
“The most innovative and effective weapon produced during the 21[sup]st[/sup] century!”

Formal Name: Akimonadi-Milogradian R900 Supreme Deathstick
Handle Material: Wood or Titanium
Cup Size: 3 1/2 in
Handle Length: 16 1/2 in
Head Length: 6 1/4 in
Girth: Undeniable
Diameter: 5 3/4 in

Ships In: 1 to 2 weeks
Item #: 43570821

Overview & History

The Akimonadi-Milogradian R900 Supreme Deathstick is an innovative, multi-purpose bludgeoning weapon designed, produced, and sold by Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries. Alisakri Mothar, a 7th grade student from Nahtareal City, New Milograd, is credited as creating the idea when he won a contest which required people to pitch new weapons designs to AMCI for prize money. Of three contestants, he originally finished second: the first place contestant proposed a pebble, which the judges loved, but it was soon realized that he stole the idea from the creator of the Model 98 Rock, who had planned a pebble spin-off of his famous product. This man was disqualified, which meant that Alisakri was the winner and that his product, the deathstick, would be produced, researched, and redesigned by AMCI scientists. The third contestant proposed a compact handgun, but the judges decided that AMCI could not produce such a silly weapon.

The weapon qualified for several prestigious awards in New Milograd for military design, but finished last in all of them. The judges of these award ceremonies were almost certainly bribed. It has been classified as a weapon of mass destruction by the government of New Milograd, but no other nations have followed suit as of November 2012.


The deathstick is renowned for its many purposes. Its first and most important function is that it can and should be used to slap enemy combatants. This can be done by gripping the wooden or titanium handle of the plunger like you would a banana and swinging it in the direction of your target. For maximum effectiveness, it is encouraged that a user of this product tries to have the rubber part of the weapon hit their target location. Hitting a target location with the wooden section of the deathstick is not as painful. Studies indicate that if you swing hard enough, you can knock at an enemy by hitting them in the face with the deathstick.

Furthermore, the device can be used as a hat. By putting the rubber bowl of the deathstick on your head so that the handle points upwards, you can wear the deathstick as a stylish hat. The stylish similarities between the pickelhauben and the deathstick are intentional. This product can also be used for playing field hockey, a stake for “horseshoe” games, gagging enemies, pointing to things, kinky sex acts, a bowl for cereal, hiding compact explosives, a cane, storing rocks, making humorous sounds with suction, climbing up walls and on the ceiling (requires four deathsticks and duct tape), and poking things.

It is advised that you do not attempt to use this product to unclog toilets. It is dangerous to use devices to complete tasks that they were not designed to perform, and attempting this can permanently damage your deathstick. No refunds will be accepted for deathsticks that were damaged because of attempted unclogging.


The supreme deathsticks are sold individually but can be purchased in bulk for an additional fee of fifty cents per additional unit. With a wooden handle, the deathstick merely costs 20.00 USD, but a titanium grip raises the price of a unit to 80.00 USD. Several accessories can be purchased alongside supreme deathsticks for an additional fee:

[ul][li]Sharp Spikes: $100.00 USD per spike
[li]Rubber Grip: $25.00 USD
[li]Tactical Flashlight: $85.00 USD
[li]Instruction Manual: $20.00 USD
[li]Attachable Grenade Launcher: $1,200.00 USD[/li][/ul]
Domestic Production Rights are not available for this product. All orders of this technology can be sent to the Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries’ offices in Kent, Akimonad or Obiskur, New Milograd.

© Akimonadi-Milogradian Consolidated Industries 2012

Any orders for our elite technology can be placed here. We ship from The Pacific with a discount to TEP.