Emotional Abuse Identification and Management Guide

Yuno · January 14, 2018, 10:59pm

Emotional Abuse Identification and Management Guide
Written by Xoriet with contributions from victims of online abuse, reviewed by a licensed psychologist
Introduction to Emotional Abuse Identification

Emotional Abuse Definition/Explanation
Unlike physical or sexual abuse, where a single incident constitutes abuse, emotional abuse is made up of a series of incidents, or a pattern of behavior that occurs over time. Emotional abuse is more than just verbal insults, the most common definition of emotional abuse. Emotional abuse is a series of repeated incidents whether intentional or not that insults, threatens, isolates, degrades, humiliates, and/or controls another person. Emotional abuse cuts to the core of a person, attacking their very being. Emotional abuse, if frequent enough, is usually internalized by the victim, and leaves them feeling fearful, insignificant, unworthy, untrusting, emotionally needy, undeserving and unlovable, and as if they were bad, deserving of punishment, and to blame. (http://kalimunro.com/wp/articles-info/sexual-emotional-abuse/emotional-abuse-the-most-common-form-of-abuse)

Gaslighting Definition/Explanation
Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse used by narcissists in order to instill in their victims an extreme sense of anxiety and confusion to the point where they no longer trust their own memory, perception or judgment. The intention is to, in a systematic way, target the victims mental equilibrium, self-confidence, and self-esteem so that they are no longer able to function in an independent way. When they are exposed to it for long enough, they begin to lose their sense of their own self. Unable to trust their own judgments, they start to question the reality of everything in their life. They begin to find themselves second-guessing themselves, and this makes them become very insecure around their decision making, even around the smallest of choices. The victim becomes depressed and withdrawn, they become totally dependent on the abuser for their sense of reality. In effect the gaslighting turns the victims reality on its head. (http://narcissisticbehavior.net/the-effects-of-gaslighting-in-narcissistic-victim-syndrome/)

Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse is known to blindside victims, who often do not realize it is happening. It often comes from someone the victim loves, or trusts deeply. Emotional abuse is a vicious cycle of building someone up and tearing them down. It breaks down the self-confidence of the victim and makes them more reliant on the abuser. Emotional abusers need the victim to rely on them, and work to achieve that end. They will be ruthless and cruel in their means. Emotional abusers do not always have the same end goal, but they will all use similar methods.
The victim often finds themselves feeling that things are going wrong, but that it is always their fault, and they feel obligated to fix whatever went wrong this time. The abuser aims to make a victim believe that they deserve the abusers cruelty, and that everything is their fault and it will end when the victim does what the abuser demands. Intelligent emotional abusers are generous and kind at times, offering nothing but support and even love, but they descend to emotionally manipulative tactics and engage in passive-aggressive behavioral trends at a whim.
They are routinely taking advantage of the victim by exposing them to a dual Jekyll-and-Hyde type of behavior. If the abuser has done their work successfully, the victim will be unable to leave because the loving aspect is more important to them than the abusive aspect.
Abusers do not always simply belittle the victim, and in fact space out their abusive tactics in order to maximize their effectiveness. A victim will be faced with an individual who is simultaneously harmful and loving at different times. It is that loving side of that abuser that makes the victim question whether or not they are being too sensitive something an abuser will encourage them to believe or believe that perhaps the loving person is worth enduring the abusive person. The disparity is confusing to victims, who will be torn between self-preservation and emotional attachment. The victim believes that they deserve it, that they are worth little, and that they are lucky to have someone who cares about them the way the abuser does.
That cycle of building up the victim only to tear them down is intended to break the victim and make them utterly subject to the abuser. The process can take a long time, but if it is not stopped or checked, it can leave lasting damage. After extensive and prolonged exposure, a victim will often become listless and submissive, no longer acting on their own or pursuing their own interests. They will be at this point largely dependent on the abuser for identity and purpose. Gaslighting is particularly damaging to identity and confidence as well as comprehension of reality, as it takes away a victims ability to respond to circumstances in a way that the abuser does not wish them to and leaves them highly dependent and depressed.
If the victim tries to distance himself or herself from the abuser, the abuser will become more abusive, more aggressive, and far more emotionally damaging. Independence in a victim is unacceptable and cannot be allowed to an abuser. To achieve this end, the abuser may try to follow the victim to the places without the abuser, and try to take control of their lives there. There is no easy answer on how to stop emotional abuse, and it is even more difficult to repair what damage is left behind when you do successfully separate victim from abuser. However, there are ways that it can be identified, which is the purpose of this guide.

Emotionally Abusive Behavior
Emotional abuse is enabled as the abuser slowly gains the victims trust and even affection. When they are certain that they have the victim on the end of their line, so to speak, they begin to make comments, sometimes seemingly offhand, that belittle or insult. They may characterize either as a joke. If the victim does something the abuser does not like, the abuser may threaten the victim with leaving them behind, or make them believe that they did something wrong. The former is especially potent if the victim has abandonment issues. The latter is a powerful blow to any psyche if one comes to believe it. An emotional abuser will make the victim feel responsible for the abusers happiness. If the abuser is unhappy, it becomes the victims fault for not trying hard enough or other such words.

Emotionally abusive behavior can include:

     Stating that the abuser is the only one who can accept the victim fully (because of or despite their faults)

     Periods of good treatment which are interspersed with periods of tearing down the victims confidence.

     Telling the victim that they deserve better, and they are sorry for how they are treating the victim (and continue regardless).

     Belittling the victim by criticizing everything about them.

     Stating that the victim is not trying hard enough to make the abuser happy.

     Threatening to break off contact when the victim does not do something the abuser demands.

     Deliberately exploiting vulnerabilities they know exist with the victim, such as low self-confidence, a history of abuse of the victim, current troubles in life, existing guilt, or self-consciousness.

     Abandoning the victim until the victim comes to them out of desperation or guilt and gives the abuser what they want.

     A history of patronizing, condescending, or controlling remarks that make the victim believe that they are not worthy of love or respect.

     Attempts to isolate the victim from others, either by trapping the victim in that cycle and disabling their ability to speak up, or by convincing others that there is something wrong with the victim.

     Telling the victim that the abuser will change for them, if they will do what the abuser wants.

     Encouraging the victim to believe that they are not good enough.

     If the victim is happy and they are not responsible for that happiness, deliberately saying cruel things that will make them unhappy.

     Convincing the people around the victim that the victim is the problem, and the abuser is the actual victim.

     Telling the victim that they will take care of them, but that nobody else would.

     Allows the victim to believe that the abuser does not think what the victim finds important means anything.

     The abuser expects to be forgiven for their mistakes no matter what is said or done, and becomes aggressive verbally if that does not happen. They will state that they have the right to be forgiven, and deserve forgiveness and love.

     The abuser says that they feel bad because the victim did something to set the abuser off.

     Insisting that the victim is spending too much time with others and is neglecting the abuser, potentially saying that means the victim doesnt care about them.

     Making the victim feel like having friends is the victims fault, and that the victims successes make the abuser feel insecure and hurt.

     Deliberately being hurtful so that the victim becomes angry or upset, which allows the abuser to start an argument. This applies as abuse only when the abuser uses the victims reaction against them, to make them feel that everything is their fault and they had no right to react the way they did.

     Deliberately attempts to make the victim cry or feel depressed.

     If the victim states that they feel hurt, the abuser will cite a past incident where the victim hurt the abuser.

     If the victim tries to distance from the abuser, the abuser will accuse them of being mean and cold and abandoning them.

     If the victim and the abuser have a sexual relationship, that relationship can be used as a means of control, such as taking it away for bad behavior or giving it back as a reward for good behavior.

     Making the victim degrade or debase themselves for the abusers satisfaction and to keep them in a low place devoid of self-confidence.

     Encouragement of self-injury of the victim as a means to please the abuser. This also includes asking the victim to allow the abuser to harm them in exchange for the abuser not harming himself/herself.

     Threats of self-harm/suicide if the victim does not do exactly what the abuser wants.

     Harming oneself deliberately in front of the victim in order to win their sympathy and to establish a means of control/make the victim feel responsible for the abusers welfare.

  If the abuser has a history of abuse in their own background or a history of mental illness, the abuser may attempt to use either of these to excuse their abusive behavior.

Not emotionally abusive behavior:

     Dismissing your concerns and proceeding with their own does not always constitute abuse if this is a consistent pattern.

     Verbal abuse is *not* emotional abuse. It can be a tactic employed by emotional abusers, but a verbally abusive person may not be an emotional abuser. Remember that emotional abusers say these things to deliberately hurt the victim in that cycle of building up and tearing down.

     IC rudeness. IC has nothing to do with OOC emotional abuse.

     OOC rudeness. Some people are just not very nice, and not every unkind person is emotionally abusive. An emotionally abusive relationship is predatory, not consisting of unkindness.

     Arguments do not mean one party is emotionally abusive. Arguments are a natural part of a relationship.

     Emotional abuse is not someone insulting you. Emotional abuse is part of a relationship cycle, not someone who is frustrated or annoyed with you and decides to be offensive.

     Trolling and baiting. Neither of these constitute emotional abuse.

      Personal attacks are not always emotional abuse, either. It is very possible to simply be aggressive and thoughtless in your words and to use personal circumstances against another individual.

      Telling someone to go "kill yourself" or that "nobody would miss you if you died" or similar phrasing in a heated argument is not emotional abuse. It is verbal abuse.

     Deliberately baiting for a fight. Some people just want to fight or to bait someone to say something that can be used against them later; they might not necessarily have intentions beyond that.

     Bullying is also not a symptom of emotional abuse. It can be a symptom of harassment, but harassment is not precisely the same thing as abuse.

     Using sexual favors is also not always a sign of emotional abuse. It can simply be a reward system for someone doing something for someone else.

     Talking about wanting to self-harm/commit suicide. This is not always emotional abuse. The person in question can be genuinely troubled with either problem and needs someone to confide in.

     Actually self-harming. Though it can be used as a tactic, it is also not a guarantee that this is intended to specifically manipulate a certain individual or individuals.

Identifying Emotional Abuse in a Social Situation

What Are You Looking For?
As a player in an interactive, social game, you are surrounded by other players. Some of these relationships are benevolent, and others are toxic. Those toxic relationships may be very public and politically-charged. However, there are other types of relationships in the game that are far more damaging. In this category are emotional abuse and emotional blackmail. While sexual harassment is a category that is widely recognized and covered, detecting a toxic relationship between two players that has gone past IC and into OOC in terms of emotional abuse is harder to discover. People in an emotionally abusive situation are at risk of suffering severe mental and emotional consequences.
With this in mind, there are signs that can be used both in a personal and public context to potentially detect a situation between two players that exists. This situation can apply to both females and males. When you are looking for emotional abuse, you are not necessarily looking for political, IC mistreatment. The most important thing to look for actively is a relationship that has gone past IC and into the realms of OOC. A potential abuser who has developed an IRL interest in another player can be extremely dangerous. This behavior is not often isolated to a single victim, either.
What you are looking for are signs of possessiveness, obsession, and control by one player aimed at another. You can identify them through both subtle and unsubtle methods. A clumsy potential abuser will often fail to realize that public displays of these things are excellent identifiers. However, a smarter one will keep it all private. Thus there are flags that are identifiable in public situations, and that you will recognize in private interactions. Below I have compiled a list of flags, some of which are indeterminate but raise the possibility, and some which are almost certainly indicators that something more sinister is taking place.
Remember, a situation does not come from two acquaintances. It comes from a close relationship (it could be one consisting of online dating or friendship) two people or one person and multiple victims with ties. Sometimes you can catch the signs before a relationship becomes close, but you need to discern a clear pattern of intent from potential abuser to prospective victim.
It is important to note that people with histories of being abused or abusive households are more susceptible for falling into the abuse cycle. Both males and females can become either abusers or victims themselves. Mental illnesses or personality disorders in the potential abuser also raise the likelihood of culpability and/or a convenient excuse for their behavior. Mental illness in the victim will make them more vulnerable to abusers. While neither of these are definitive proof, they are statistically common in abusers and victims. Victims are often already suffering from insecurities, low self-esteem, anxiety, and self-doubt. Abusers hone in on those vulnerabilities.

What Are You Not Looking For?
This guide is not intended to look into IC issues between players, because those are not the subject of this issue. However, sometimes IC control problems can be an indicator that a player is trying to control another player, and that it might extend past IC. There are key phrases that can be used to identify such situations. While some abusers are very subtle and do not give many hints, more often than not you will see situations where slips are made. You do not always know that a victim and an abuser are in contact. That makes public and private tidbits you witness personally or learn from others critical as potential indicators.
You are not looking for issues between players that are verbally abusive or constitute IC harassment. Persecution of other players in-game is an in-game issue, not something that should be taken into OOC consideration. That is a whole different issue and can be handled by communities internally. Searching out or identifying potential critical situations before they develop into something worse is something that has not been emphasized enough.
Lastly, you are not looking for prospective victims to report things to you. Victims are often very quiet because they have been emotionally blackmailed into staying quiet about their circumstances, or because they do not realize what is going on. Abusers are even less likely to admit their actions. Reports are often made after the fact. What must be done is active identification of these situations where and when possible. Below I have listed numerous potentially alarming circumstances issued by either potential abuser or prospective victim that should be taken into account.
I also emphasize that one flag does not mean that a relationship is abusive. It can denote that it is a possibility, but people should not read into every little detail. However, if you think that there is a good chance that this is an abusive situation, you need to act on it. Details on the best course of action for different situations will be included later on.
You are not looking for third party testimony without any proof. Mob mentality is not conducive to uncovering abuse cases. Always request logs. Make certain that if the victim does not want you to share it with others that you do not ignore their wishes. To validate claims of emotional abuse, logs are needed. Logs without context are not acceptable to conduct a fair investigation. If a log lacks context, it cannot be relied upon as sufficient evidence. Having witnesses of systematic behavior is good, but that is also third-party without the evidence of logs (public or private).
Public Yellow Flags:

     The potential abuser clearly claims another player in a manner that does not seem joking, stating that player belongs to them, etc.

     The potential abuser openly tells other players that they know what is best for the prospective victim.

     The potential abuser is publicly asking people if the prospective victim is online on a regular basis. This demonstrates an obsessive interest depending on the circumstances.

     Revealing a knowledge of personal information as a means of one-upping another player in regards to the prospective victim in a public chat.

     The potential abuser tries to order another prospective victim to do what they want in front of others, especially and most significantly if those orders verge on OOC in nature.

     The potential abuser is openly referencing private information about a prospective victim in a possessive manner.

     The potential abuser is arguing with the prospective victim in a manner that indicates a possessive attitude.

     The potential abuser takes a proprietary attitude about the prospective victim.

     The prospective victim often quiets when the prospective abuser states something in a passive-aggressive manner aimed at them.

     The prospective victim regularly becomes very quiet when the prospective abuser starts talking in the chat. This applies when they have a history of friendship or closeness, not if they have a history of conflict and discord.

     The potential abuser has arguments with the prospective victim in the nature of making something theirs or claiming that the prospective victim only needs the potential abuser.

Public Red Flags:

     The potential abuser openly states that the prospective victim belongs to them, would be best with them, or only needs them in a manner that is clearly not intended in a joking manner. This can be discerned by tone, phraseology, context, and history. This requires some research or background on the players involved.

     The potential abuser openly fantasizes about the prospective victim publicly in an OOC manner, without regard to requests for them to stop.

     The potential abuser goes to multiple chats to ask if the whereabouts of the prospective victim are known. This is especially potent if you are aware that the prospective victim has asked you or others not to give that information to this potential abuser.

     The potential abuser attacks other players who get too close to the prospective victim on a regular basis in public, citing that they dont have any business getting close to said prospective victim.

     The potential abuser is threatening to drop private information about the prospective victim if the prospective victim does not agree to do something OOC, or to message them privately.

     The potential abuser is openly possessive about the prospective victim, namely by answering questions for them, dictating what they are going to do, telling them they are not going to do something even if and especially if they expressed an interest in doing so, and/or makes their decisions for them against the wishes of the prospective victim.

     The potential abuser asks the prospective victim why they did not message the potential abuser when they got online, and harasses them to message them privately. If the victim expresses to someone reluctance to do so, it becomes more noteworthy.

Private Yellow Flags:

     The prospective victim comes to you and mentions that another player is making them uncomfortable in an OOC manner.

     The prospective victim asks you to keep the fact that they are online from another player on a repeated basis. If there is a history of IC conflict, this may not be a flag.

     The prospective victim expresses that they are frequently made unhappy by the potential abuser on an OOC level.

     The potential abuser comes to you and tries to bait you into giving them information about the prospective victim on a regular or frequent basis.

     The potential abuser demands that you tell them where the prospective victim is aggressively.

     The potential abuser threatens you to make you stay away from the prospective victim.

     An unassociated player comes to you with concerns about something entrusted to them by the prospective victim that indicates multiple instances that could denote abuse.

     Multiple people have come to you expressing concerns about what seems to be an unhealthy relationship between two players.

     The prospective victim comes to you and reveals that he/she is feeling like the potential abuser is trying to control their actions, particularly in an OOC sense.

     The prospective victim thinks that the potential abuser is watching them too much and refuses to let the prospective victim be somewhere without the potential abuser.

     The prospective victim displays alarm or fear when he or she discovers the potential abuser was in a chat they said something in and responds to their message.

     The prospective victim denies that the potential abuser is in the wrong, stating that they were the ones who made them upset, and argues that the potential abuser is just misunderstood or needs help.

Private Red Flags:

     The potential abuser explicitly threatens you for being too close to another player they have expressed interest in themselves. There is a known and proved history of possessiveness displayed by this potential abuser toward the prospective victim.

     The potential abuser repeatedly comes to you to see if the prospective victim is ignoring them or is online for a long period of time. This is most concerning if that prospective victim is actually hiding from them and you are aware of this.

     The potential abuser refers to the prospective victim as theirs and expresses that they know what is best for that prospective victim. They are referring to them clearly in a manner that denotes the person belongs to them in a way that is not protective or defensive, but aggressively possessive.

     The potential abuser refers to the prospective victim as out of their mind or crazy and thus states that the prospective victim needs a keeper.

     The potential abuser states that the prospective victim is incapable of taking care of him/herself and needs the potential abuser to make decisions for them.

     The potential abuser repeatedly expresses an OOC obsession, such as talking about weddings, when the prospective victim will finally agree to date them, or what (explicit) activities may happen when they meet in person.

     The prospective victim comes to you because the potential abuser is trying to pressure them into an IRL meeting, pressuring them for uncomfortable material, or trying to pressure them into a relationship.

     The potential abuser is actively trying to break up the prospective victim and his/her IRL partner with clear intent to claim the prospective victim once that is accomplished.

     It is known that a potential abuser has been asked not to speak to another player, but they come to you asking to pass a personal message to the prospective victim with clear intent to emotionally influence them to break the contact ban.

     The prospective victim comes to you revealing that another player is threatening them with IRL information if he/she cuts contact with them.

     The prospective victim comes to you asking you to help them hide from another player on frequent occasion.

     The potential abuser repeatedly attempts to make you tell them everything about your personal association with the prospective victim.

     The prospective victim comes to you and presents logs that validate claims of obsession, stalking, emotional abuse, threats on an IRL level, controlling behavior, etc.

     A potential abuser with a history of public flags comes to you and asks you to help them reconcile with the prospective victim because he/she is being unreasonable.

Yuno · January 14, 2018, 11:00pm

How to Act When Faced With a Situation

How Do You React When You Find It?
Emotionally abusive situations are not easy to handle. Whatever happens, do not react with victim-blaming. Do not react with condemnatory statements. If you think it might sound like you are stating it is the victims fault, do not say it. They will not initially accept it, or if they do, they will try to explain the abuser. They will try to ascribe blame to themselves. Many victims are conditioned to do so.
Be very careful when you explain things to them. It is not the victims fault that the abuser is betraying their trust. If nothing else, make that very clear. The victim will likely be confused and conflicted. As a result, handling the situation can be tricky. Victims of emotional abuse are most likely to sympathize with their abuser.
Do not attack the abuser to the victim. Careful handling is necessary at the beginning. Harsh handling and blame can close the victim off to you entirely. If the situation is more severe, such as already having plans to meet IRL, you might be forced to be less gentle about breaking the news.

What Do You Do?
Communities have been handling these situations with a one-size-fits-all attitude. However, international bans and pariah status in a public manner are not always the right way to handle it. Protecting the communities is important, but a priority is the victim and their state of mind. Public announcements and bans is something that can drive the victim back to the abuser out of guilt, and that the abuser can use to solidify hold on the victim.
You have to be able to tailor how you handle a confirmed abuser. A universal first step is to create a safe space for that victim, while also trying to gently encourage them to leave the abuser. That can be an incredibly frustrating undertaking, however, depending on how deep the connection between abuser and victim is at the point in time.
The most important thing you need to do is to not use the terms harassment or abuse until you are absolutely, unwaveringly certain. Until you are done investigating, you do not plant those ideas in the head of the victim. For an unbiased and accurate investigation, you need to learn without immediately identifying what is going on.
When you have enough evidence that it is indeed abuse, you need to break it carefully to the victim, citing incidents and why they qualify as abusive or harmful. Do not pressure them to cut it off until they understand and accept the situation as it really is.
The following is a short list of situations in which it is best to handle specially.

The Victim Asks You Not To Say Anything:
Youve managed to successfully locate an ongoing situation. However, the victim begs you not to say anything. Again, making a public issue out of it can cement the abusers hold on the victim. Instead of going around getting them banned, you should consider the following steps:

Create a safe space for the victim where the abuser has no access. Surround the victim with friends and support to ensure that they are comfortable and feel safe.
Quietly investigate if this abuser has other potential victims. They are more often than not serial, and they do not all focus on just one victim.
Speak with the administration of the communities in which the victim and abuser are together, while emphasizing it needs to be handled quietly.
Create a group where friends of the victim or mutual friends of victim and abuser (contingent on how trustworthy they are in confidential matters) can investigate the severity of the situation and share results to create a clearer picture. Victims confide in varying degrees to different people.
Try to find legitimate, non-OOC reasons to remove the abuser from communities the victim is in that will not implicate the victim as the reason behind it.
Do not let the abuser find out that you know about it when investigating the situation. It is safer to have a mutual friend discern the level of obsession or control the abuser is feeling or enacting so that you can talk to them without them finding out that they already know about the abusive situation.
Continually lay out the facts to the victim until he or she accepts that what is going on is unhealthy and not acceptable, encouraging them to leave the abuser. Do not be harsh about this or blame them.
The abuser will respond if you succeed in distancing the two. They will attempt to guilt them back by evading blocks, or not answer so that the victim will go back to them.
Make clear to the victim that you will not leave them alone in this situation, and are there to support them in the matter. If they end up resuming contact, do not abandon them.
This type of victim needs to be handled very quietly, because the threat of returning under influence of guilt is strong. Community protection is important, but again, the victim is a priority in these situations. How you handle the situation depends on what type of victim you have.

The Victim Wants Protection:
The victim decides that he or she wants to be separated from the abuser. He or she is tentative about the knowledge being public, but wants above all to be protected. This is a general series of things you should do in this situation:

Create a safe space for the victim where the abuser has no access. Surround the victim with friends and support to ensure that they are comfortable and feel safe.
Open channels of communication between the victim and those who have experienced similar situations or who have handled similar situations if the other party feels comfortable in doing so.
Quietly investigate if this abuser has other potential victims. They are more often than not serial, and they do not all focus on just one victim.
Speak with the administration of the communities in which the victim and abuser are together, providing evidence if given permission by the victim and emphasizing that separation is necessary.
Speak with the abuser and make it clear, or have someone closer to the parties involved, that he or she needs to leave the victim alone. Explain why, and disregard any excuses as to why.
Remind the victim repeatedly that it is not his or her fault. Self-blame is a dangerous road because it actually does lead to resumed contact.
Remind the victim why they need to stay separate. The obsession of abusers is only worsened by more contact with the victim, and the victim is only further damaged by prolonged contact.
The abuser is very likely to send an apology message trying to guilt the victim back. The abuser is likely to say that he or she understands that they were wrong, and will change for the victim.
Make clear to the victim that you will not leave them alone in this situation, and are there to support them in the matter. If they end up resuming contact, do not abandon them.
Victims have a statistical probability of returning within a matter of weeks, particularly if exacerbated by an apology message. To protect the victim, ensure that the community has separated them from the abuser. Ensure that they have blocked the abuser on every medium they can be contacted on.

The Victim And Abuser Have Plans To Meet:
The situation youve just discovered fits either of the above, or perhaps something else. However, the most glaringly concerning thing about it is that the abuser has convinced the victim to meet IRL at some point. A purpose of emotional abuse and control online is to weaken the victims will and resistance to the abuser gradually and in a careful manner so that they are able to take physical advantage of them in a face-to-face confrontation later on. At this point, caution is not as beneficial. The steps that can be taken here are more direct, and far less subtle.

Abusers have different methods of cementing connections to the victim in person. One of those is in a sexual sense. A proposal for IRL marriage is also possible. In person either of these are possible. Another possibility is that the abuser could physically abuse or kill the victim. Depending on the situation, any of those or all of them are possible. Emphasize to the victim that all of these are possibilities.
If you succeed in persuading the victim to not go, encourage the victim to contact RL law enforcement for additional protection. This may or may not do much, but letting the abuser know that law enforcement is aware can offer a sense of protection or even actual protection in the case that the victim goes anyway.
If the victim seems determined to meet the abuser anyway and you have very good reason to suspect that the abuser intends harm, it is valid to contact anyone you have contact with who lives nearby or is connected with the victim to warn them. This sounds invasive, but it could well save the victims life, or prevent any other type of scarring from what might occur.
If the abuser and victim are already separated but you have reason to believe that there may be a threat of them meeting regardless of present intent, continue to tell the victim what the possibilities are. There are a plethora of cases of internet acquaintances meeting that ended in death, sexual assault, or other and equally unpleasant things.
This situation is by far the most critical one you can encounter. In this context it is not inappropriate to take action to protect the victim. He or she may not be thinking clearly. Most explicitly, emphasize to the victim that abusers will take advantage of those meetings in some way. Abusers would not abuse victims if they intended only the best. Dont be deceived and think that its unlikely. All of those are extremely real possibilities no matter what you might think of the abusive party personally.

Post-Separation Issues

The Abuser Reacts:
Immediately after cutting contact, the abuser will very likely attempt to slip messages to the victim. If they leave them alone instead, they are simply waiting for the victim to return. Separation only distresses the abuser insofar as it deprives them of their obsession. Any expression of emotional distress or regret is unlikely to be sincere. Remember that when you are looking at an abuser, age is not a determining factor in how dangerous to or obsessed with the victim said abuser is. A sixteen year old can be as dangerous as a thirty year old. The abuser will not relent in his or her goal to reconnect with the victim unless they are given no opportunity to circumvent existing deterrents.
If there are multiple ways in which they could contact each other, the abuser is likely to discover that one of them was not blocked in time. The abuser is most likely to stalk the victim through shared chats or platforms. They will make new accounts to circumvent bans on existing accounts if they believe they can get away with it. If they are popular, they will go around attempting to spread rumor that the victim was the abuser, or that the victim is out of their mind. In some cases the abuser will express gratitude to the person or people who separated victim from abuser, stating that it was for the best and they hope the person or people will continue to protect the victim.
Undeniably, whether they attempt to directly contact or not, however, abusers find people and inquire from them how the victim is doing, or what the victim is doing in seemingly innocuous ways, frequently expressing regret for their behavior. This is intended to reach the victim and sway them indirectly. They may try to overtly pass messages to the victim through mutual friends. The abuser will go up to people close to the victim and say that they are very sorry and did not realize what they were doing was bad. The abuser is almost guaranteed to be insincere in that regret, or, if they are sincere, are very likely to relapse back into said behavior shortly after contact is resumed. Do not be fooled by an abusers expression of regret.
In rare cases the abuser will simply let the victim go. This is exceptionally rare. In this instance you can assume that they have a back-up plan, someone else to fall back to. The serial nature of all types of abusers means that you should be ready to find that the abuser has already identified and started on a new victim. If that victim is within your range, do your best to find and identify them.

The Victim Reacts:
Depending on the circumstances, the victim will either express relief and calm, or emotional distress at separation. Remember that an aim of emotional abuse is to make the victim reliant on the abuser. Given that it is likely that this succeeded, you cannot expect an easy road to rehabilitation and recovery for this victim. He or she is likely to be depressed, guilty, and confused at the absence of the abuser. This is exacerbated by an abuser either directly or indirectly attempting to contact them.
The victim might start going into denial, stating that they were wrong or that the behavior might not have been abusive after all. A victim will very often pin the blame on themselves for overreacting and not understanding things from the abusers perspective. The victim seeks to excuse the abuser and believes that he or she is responsible for what happened. The mentality here is a conditioned one.
If the abuser does not contact the victim, you are likely to see a mindset of he/she hates me now from said victim. Do not encourage that mindset. Instead, assure them that this is a ploy to see the victim return willingly without direct prompting. The abuser has not moved on from their fixation at this point, and it can be years before they do. Abusers do not take no for an answer, and they do not accept easily that the victim wants to move on and never speak with them again. Victims take time to recover, and the abuser does not always give them that chance.

The Victim Returns to the Abuser:
Eighty-five percent of victims return to the abuser, and that is often within a three-week space of time. Whether this is because of empathy with the abusers psychological issues, a belief that they can change the abuser, or simply because they are reliant on the abuser, it is not an uncommon statistic at all. Just because you persuade a victim to leave the abuser does not mean that the victim is going to permanently stay that way. You have to be prepared for a return in these situations.
When the victim returns, the abuser can react in many ways. One of the most common is accusing the victim of betraying their confidences, and telling the victim that they owe the abuser reparations or to take the abusers side in a social conflict. The abuser uses emotional blackmail in that circumstance. Another tactic is persuading the victim that the people who supported him or her against the abuser would abandon the victim if they learned that the victim had resumed contact. These threats are often effective in sealing the victims silence. The abuser may also tell the victim that they have realized the error of their ways and will treat the victim better, emotionally influencing the victim to believe in that change. The abuser may use reverse psychology or bait the victim into blaming themselves for the abusers obsession, making them feel responsible for the abusers behavior. They will not always outright state that it was the victims fault.
Later, the victim will discover that the abuser has not changed.
The abuser will very much attempt to isolate their victim, knowing now that the victim has been willing to speak up before. Isolation is a key tool of the abuser. The victim is likely to become depressed at this, and will be more susceptible to manipulation. This is why keeping a very close watch on the victim and the abuser is a necessity post-separation. Finding out that they have resumed contact sooner rather than later gives you an opportunity to counteract that isolation.
Even so, do not confront the victim about it. If you confront the victim about it, the abuser may use it as proof that the victim has disappointed the people who tried to help them out of the situation. The victim is already likely to feel that he or she has let down those people, and that guilt, shame, and feeling that they disappointed their support network will keep the victim quiet. The feeling that they have let down or even betrayed the people who helped them leave the abuser by returning will be an overwhelming reason why they may stay quiet even without the abusers encouragement.
Encourage them and boost their morale, working to separate them by means that suit the situation.
You have to keep in mind that the abuser is almost certain to escalate the abuse after a victim tries to escape them. An abuser will punish the victim for attempting to leave them, and especially for involving others. They will employ stronger tactics, push the victim harder for whatever they want most, and potentially attempt to plan meetings IRL to solidify their hold on the victim. Talks of marriage or relationships will very likely either resume or come to existence. The victim, trapped by the above tactics, will possibly feel that they have to do what the abuser wants. Just because a victim seems to not be looking for help does not mean that the victim is not experiencing abuse and does not need your help.

What Do I Do When This Happens?

Stopping the Abuser:

Ensure that the victim has blocked every form of media that he or she can be contacted on. This includes shared forums, shared social media platforms, gaming platforms, and any shared site with shared contact details between the two.
Talk to the abuser and let them know that their behavior is unacceptable, and that you are looking out for the victim.
Prepare all people the abuser might contact and tell them not to fall for the bait or pass messages for the abuser.
Keeping lines of contact open with friends of the abuser and have them tell you or someone they like/trust for any hints of resumed contact or consistent pursuit of the victim.
Do not let the abuser know about the support network you have built for the victim. The less the abuser knows about who is protecting the victim, the better. He or she cannot guilt the victim about a protector they do not know about.
Make it very clear to the abuser that you will do everything you can to ensure that this will not happen again.
If law enforcement, administration, or others have been contacted, ensure that the abuser is aware of all of this, whether or not it has been acted upon or is simply on record.
Do not pass messages from the abuser to the victim. Do not let people pass messages from the abuser to the victim.

Responding to the Victim:

Do not express impatience with the victim. That will close the victim off emotionally.
Make it very clear to the victim that you have no intention of leaving them to recover alone.
Tell the victim that they are worthy of respect, love, and friends.
Offer unconditional support to the victim, both emotionally and in action. Make it clear to them that you are going to help protect them.
Remind the victim of the people who care about their welfare.
Keep in contact with an established support network for the victim in order to keep track of whether or not contact is resumed.
Keep in contact, but instead this time to ensure that the victim feels loved and supported.
Remind the victim, though not harshly (unless they had planned to meet IRL before the block), that prolonged exposure to abuse can result in devastating harm to the victim.
The abuser will not change. Make sure the victim is aware of this.
Give the victim resources they can use IRL to recover. This can include introducing them to the existence of institutions like SafePlace, which is used to help women in or who have escaped from an abusive situation.

Handling Resumed Contact:

Do not get angry with the victim. Be patient and careful.
Revitalize that investigative group to search out the truth and to ensure that you are aware of how severe it may be.
Be prepared for the victim to find it much harder to leave a second time.
Be prepared for the abusers likelihood to pressure or force the victim back into a relationship/a sexual relationship/or to meet in person.
The victim is going to be less open at first about it. Do not push too hard, but try to encourage them to share what they are willing to.
If you find out through someone else that the victim has resumed contact, do not confront them personally. Instead allow the person who learned about the contact to start the process of separation again. When the victim is ready to tell you, he or she will. You can subtly probe to see if they will speak with you, but if not, the victim may close off to the person who knew about the resumed contact and you may lose a chance to help them even indirectly.
Keep a constant watch on the abuser. They are the dangerous factor, especially once you have separated them one or more times.
Find someone the abuser trusts who understands the situation and have them monitor the abuser as best they can, getting insights as to the state of the existing relationship of the victim and abuser. Emphasize that it could put the victim in danger if the abuser discovers that they are being monitored.

Dealing with the Aftereffects

Victim/Abuser Dynamics

Post-Separation Stalking Anxiety:
The abuser, if they choose to frequent people around the victim or keep an eye on them, will be around and actively bait people for information about the victim months or years later. They will refuse to accept that the victim has chosen to move on.
The victim will claim to want to know if the abuser is around at first. Keep them on a need-to-know basis. The victim will not recover if they know that the abuser is waiting for them. This is especially true in months or years after the final separation has occurred.

Post-Separation Emotional Turmoil:
A long-term victim will still be affected by what abuse the abuser doled out. They will have low self-confidence, ask you if they deserved what happened to them, look to blame themselves for the abusers perceived change in nature for the worse, find ways to attack themselves for not being strong enough to resist, and seek affirmation that they are strong enough to leave for good this time. Even years after this has occurred, all of these still take place.
Victims experience nightmares, irrational fears, emotional distress, anxiety, panic, and other such things as they work to overcome the trauma. Each of these needs to be handled carefully. Fear and anxiety are powerful and the most common things to afflict a recovering victim. You must repeatedly assure them that they are safe, that they are not a victim anymore, that the abuser cannot or will not be able to reach them, and that they are not going to resume contact.
Logical reasoning does not always take precedence. A victim will often be irrational where the abuser is concerned, as their body responds to a self-preservation mode and leaves them in a fight-or-flight mode. When you cant logically reach the victim, you have to calm that instinct to panic or fear. The bodys reaction can and will overcome the victims sense of rationality.
Keeping patient with the victim is important. Sometimes you will need to handle the victim more roughly, particularly if the victim panics that the abuser is coming back and they worry that they may go back. Remind them that they are a survivor now, not a victim. Sometimes, when the victim is afraid and is on the verge of panic, you have to assure them that they are safe.
If the abuser manages to contact or indirectly contact the victim, you will have to help them through the resulting days or weeks of turmoil. Helping a victim is not easy, and if you do not think you have the capacity, find someone who can help the victim in ways you cant. Not everyone is emotionally equipped to take care of a victim in the recovery stage.

False/Mistaken Allegations

You occasionally run into cases where the victim believes they are being emotionally abused, but are not. There are also cases where the allegations are false and intended to discredit another player. If you are not certain, bring the evidence to someone who is experienced in the matter for clarification. If you are certain, you will have to take steps to discourage the accuser from their mistaken assumption/belief.
In the case where the accused is simply known to be an unfriendly, unkind, generally unpleasant person to be around, this behavior is expected. Someone who is consistently unsociable and rude is not an emotional abuser. You must explain to the accuser that verbal abuse and personal attacks do not always constitute emotional abuse. Specifically if this behavior is an IC or a politically-affiliated affair, this is not emotional abuse and the accuser needs to have this explained to them.
In the case where the allegations are false, you have to be more careful. The accuser is likely to turn on you if you rule against them, and almost everyone manages to find some form of support. Your best step is to find people known for impartial and fair rulings and employ their help. If you have built your own system of legitimate and credible support, the false accuser has less ground to stand on. Frequently false accusers will turn on you and attempt to paint you as a victim-blamer or apologist.
Victim-blaming and apologists are a problem, and most frequently you find them in the people closest to the accused or the enemies of the accuser. However, even in the case of false or mistaken allegations, the ideal situation is to prove beyond reasonable doubt that the lack of patterning or systematic abuse means that this is not emotional abuse.
To handle the matter, unless you are certain that the accuser is merely mistaken and that you will be able to convince them that they are not being emotionally abused, you should always seek a second opinion and establish your sources as credible and fair. When a person is mistaken, they merely need to have the difference explained to them. When you encounter a false accuser, you run the risk of having them turn on you if they are deliberately trying to ruin the accused.
Essentially, be careful in how you manage this. Avoid sounding like a victim-blamer (i.e., Oh, this looks two-sided, This looks like you provoked it, or I think youre seeing things that arent there) in order to be able to avoid inheriting that label. If you do not think you can explain it sufficiently, pass it to someone who can.
Be ready and willing to explain your reasoning, and be ready for what will likely be a very emotional and potentially volatile response from the accuser. Word choice is paramount. Not just for your own security, but to the accuser’s understanding

Conclusion

Final Message
People have trouble accepting that this can happen over the internet. Unfortunately, it is very possible. It is also likely. People let down their guard more quickly over the neutrality of text. It is easier to tell someone online something than it is to someone in person. Abusers will take advantage of victims this way. They will seek out vulnerable individuals, or exploit the vulnerabilities even in strong individuals.
Not every victim will fall prey to the same thing. There are also mutually abusive relationships. An unpopular person can be abused as easily as a popular person. No-one is truly immune to the possibility of being victimized. Real abusers are generally smart, socially-savvy, and cunning. Some abusers are lesser in tact but are nonetheless talented in their areas. An abuser can be anyone, as a victim can be anyone.
Men and women can equally be victimized, by the opposite gender and members of their own gender. Do not take the side of one over the other because women are more frequently seen as victims. Women can be as abusive as men. Women can exploit men and other women just as easily.
When you are looking for an abusive relationship, you have to be aware that a prospective victim and abuser must have some sort of tie. It is not always possible to detect it. The subtle signs can include finding the victim frequently depressed over a mean comment by the abuser, finding the victim hiding from the abuser online, and the victim making offhand comments about how uncomfortable they are over something that happened either publicly or privately.
A friend or close acquaintance of the victim is more likely to notice something is wrong. Remember that not everyone is equipped to handle these situations. If you think you are not able, pass the case on to another person. Do not try to support a victim alone if you are not stable yourself. Your health is as important as theirs. Find someone who can help and support the victim, and help them with what you are able to do.
Emotional abuse hurts, and leaves lasting scars. Be aware that it happens, that it is not often reported, and that there are ways to spot it. Do not wait for reports to act. Investigate when you find a case, even if you do it quietly. Tailor the response to the situation. Act when you believe there is physical danger to a victim. Respond the way the victims need you to.
It is hard to identify because people conflate someone with hurtful language IC as the same as the OOC person. Do not mix up the two. Personal attacks in public are hurtful, yes, but they are not the same as an emotionally abusive close relationship. Abuse is far more severe than an antagonistic relationship, and leaves far more lasting effects. Although harassment and emotional abuse are not the same, they can overlap in places.
Watch out for these people in your communities. Active situations happen, and if you can identify them while they occur, you might save a victims life.

Resources Recommended For Victim Assistance:
SafePlace National Website:
www.nspnetwork.org
National Domestic Violence Hotline:
www.thehotline.org | 1-800-799-7233
www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/

Source: Emotional Abuse Identification and Management Guide - Google Docs