Serge’s Farewell, The Definitive Shitpost
Script written by:
Dylan, Serge, Zukchiva
Cast:
Flying Kiwi Omniscient Narrator - Sammy23
Dylan the Icecream Janitor Eviction Guy Dude - Mangegneithe
EPPS Officer / Provost Eternál - Dylan
Art - Art (Sokala)
A Mean Old Goose/The Goose - Zukchiva
The Worst Delegate In History aka Himself - Libertanny
Acronis - Acronis
Badger - TechTag
oneAandoneC - Aggie (Aga)
Spiritual Support:
Atlae
It was a normal sunny day in The East Pacific. The coast was, as it always has been, packed with tourists from far and wide, with nationalities, cultures and languages that represented the entire world, minus The West Pacific. It was of course in the blaze of the summer, where cold drinks were served, laughter could be heard and ice cream was being eaten.
Day, just like a day. It did not look like there was anything going to happen. It was around midday, when Chief Janitor Aivintis appeared in the parking lot, exiting his old ice cream truck. He admired the hot pink paint job, and the huge, bold text saying “AIVINTIS’S’S DREAMS”. He looked towards the window on the 69th floor, wearing his excellent fedora and blindingly-neon sunglasses.
“Sometimes I hate my life. One hour you are bringing happiness to the world by selling gosh darn fucking good ice cream. The next you are bringing stage five depression in the form of eviction notices with bad handwriting. I could’ve become a doctor, like my mommy told me to,” thought Aivintis’s brain, safely concealed in a wine cellar thousands of miles north of here.
Then out of nowhere,
The ice cream truck had been seized by a flock of parrots, and somehow, unbelievable, a flying kiwi. They were too fierce in number, and at the helm was the mighty green furball that everyone recognised. Disaster struck!
Ice cream flung from every direction, slaughtering onlookers in the face. The parrots had gone berserk, and not before long the authorities had been called! There was absolutely nothing the crowd could do, the parrot and his allies had couped the ice cream van!
In comes the police, or as they are widely known; A Mean Old Goose and the other Dylan, who is actually the same person. The Mean Old Goose fastened a shotgun and blew the flying kiwi out of the sky, and before long aimed it at the truck. But the kiwi came back for revenge! It screamed weird satanic noises in incomprehensible ancient languages at the old dusty creature and he ran back to the Magisterium to cook up trouble, which left one person.
The Goose. The Goose flew over the policeman Dylan’s head with such power and such force, swooping in from the heavens to rid the ice cream couper. But alas, the Goose engaged in a legendary battle with an unthought of opponent; the Horse.
“GET OUT THE WAY OLD HORSE, I NEED TO STOP THAT PARROT BEFORE HE COUPS AND SHITPOSTS ON US ALL!”, The Goose angrily honks as it hones in like a ballistic missile on the defiant horse with laser accuracy of the likes which have never been seen on Urth.
Their pads and hooves slashed, their necks jolsted and their mouths bit one another, but they were each other’s equal. Neither could take the high ground in this epic saga. But the Provost Eternál found his chance.
“The time has come, you fiend!” Dylan bellowed in the ice cream van where Libertanny was stealing a carton of his icecreams. Dylan grabbed him by his tail feathers and yanked him out, but the old bat was not having any of it. He screamed in horror as he saw his Delegacy flash before his eyes.
The parrot fell from Dylan’s grip and flew above them all in his godly form. He was so powerful and so wise that he could create life, and all of his enemies could not help but bow to his colossus might. He had such a knowledge of the Birb Side, he could even keep the ones he cared about… from being couped. You might ask, is the Birb Side that powerful? So, indeed, the Birb Side is a path to many abilities, some considered… shitposting. Also, it’s possible to learn this power, but not from a Rahl.
But suddenly, some noises started to be heard. The noises turned into actual shouting, and…
Je vais exploiter la puissance de la station météorologique canadienne!” - said oneAandoneC, then he added, or well, translated - “I shall harness the power of the canadian weather station”
“In response to the honorable oneAandoneC, I would like to insert a borderline meme here, but I might as well not, as the mighty East Malaysia is always watching” - replied Art, whilst searching through Reddit on his brand new gold Apple (APPLE, DID YOU HEAR IT, APPLE, ART IS RICH, AND IT HAS GOLD COLOR, ART IS RICH, AGAIN) - “I have a gun and nukes and coconuts. I totally have nukes, lots of nukes, big league nukes. I’ll win, bigly. Tremendous victory. We’ll win, keep on winning.”
“Still, Iphel doesn’t have nukes” - replied oneAandoneC, whilst looking at his Google Translator - “Pourtant, Iphel n’a pas d’armes nucléaires.”
“Pardon you, but I am feeling under the weather today, and I would like to kindly request, that both of you shut the fuck up. Preferably, I would keep this Roleplaying place calm and and serious, in standards with the Community Rules” - said Acronis, clothed in his grey suit, whilst holding “The Community Rules and Laws of The East Pacific, by Bachtendekuppen”.
“nou” - replied one of parrots, whilst flying right above Acronis’ head.
“Don’t make me put this book down. If I have to put my book down, you’re going to regret it,” said Ben, the Lord Acorn, Provost Emeritus, and very humble and also the most handsome person in all of TEP, even more handsome than Marrabuk (because he’s not here to defend himself rn)
Dylan laughed at the grey bearded crazy man who sat in the Old Provosts’ Home, from atop his Magisterium.
Taking one last look around at the chaos surrounding him, Ben strokes his beard in thought and then finally comes to a decision. “Yeah fuck this, I’m defecting to the West, bye.” He then proceeds to step out of whatever the hell this is and never returns.
As the situation was progressing, a gold-green parrot, 3 meters high, appeared in the very middle of the scene.
“S I L E N C E” - yelled the drunk Parrot Deity of The East Pacific.
Right after that, the Parrot started making weird moves with his wings. Some thought, since the Parrot was drunk, he was just dancin’, vibin’ and posting memes in Czech. But not, The Parrot has casted a spell, which moved all of the gathered people, alongside all of The East Pacific and all of NationStates (except for The West Pacific) in the Magisterium, mostly because it has the most comfortable chairs in The East Pacific’s Government.
“LOL, TEP.” answered Badger before teleporting Aivintis into a desolate trailer on the coast of the West Pacific.
Out of nowhere, a flock of angry GREEK GEESE (ΕΛΛΗΝΙΚΗ ΓΕΙΣΕ), led by The Mean Old Goose has appeared.
Fedele, who had just arrived to purge some Marsupials, got absolutely yeeted to oblivion (no, not the Elder Scrolls one) by the white bird crap from the goose overlord.
ΛΟΛ
“As we have gathered here” - Libertanny cleared his throat - “Pardon, it was a feather fluff”
“As we have gathered here. It is the high time to announce my farewell. I cannot say, how awesome serving as the Delegate of The East Pacific is. Regardless of all the downs, I shall remember all the ups. I cannot say how much I was happy to see the overall activity, to see how much so many people have contributed to The East Pacific.” - said Libertanny, totally not looking at his speech card.
“We have achieved many great things. We have established foundations for Consortium and the Treaty is almost finished now. We have beaten the most updaters record in Liberation of South Pacific, just to beat it once again (alongside two other records) during Operation: Boom Beach. We have created and were successfully running REWARD, we have crafted several new treaties, we have managed to put new life into EPNS. But that’s not all. We made a total revival of the Executive, we changed the hierarchy and structure, we managed to become hella efficient and effective, in whatever we decided to take a part in” - continued Libertanny
“But, we have managed to achieve all of that, only and solely, because all the awesome people, that helped, that contributed, that cared, and because of that, I wouldn’t be able to end my Delegacy without awarding a few individuals with the Order of the Golden Ocelot” - proudly stated Libertanny, sweating a litte.