The Tasman Daily Telegraph

The Tasman Daily Telegram

Vice President’s Family Dead

April 22, 2007
Government Press Release

Flames broke out early this morning at the home in which the family of Vice President Chantal Scythes’ family has been residing for over six months. There were no survivors. Dead are the Vice President’s husband of eight years, David, her six-year old daughter, Michaela, her three-year old son, Joshua, and four Secret Service agents whose names will not be released at this time. The Vice President has been living apart from her family for over six months as a result of death threats against both she and her family. Foul play has not been ruled out.

Mappins Lauded

April 22, 2007
Brenda Corrigan

President Peter Mappins’ proposed legislation, now before Parliament, to move toward tighter environmental controls has been lauded by all three parties and environmentalists. His proposal includes strict emission regulations on all industries and very tight controls on waste management which would hold corporations responsible for disposal of toxic waste and clean-up costs. He has also proposed a reduction in development of current designated greenbelt areas within urban areas along with a halt on encroachment and/or prospecting of the rain forests and river systems. Implementation would occur over a three-year period.

Critics of this proposal have indicated that such a move will force major industries to close, moving out of Kangarawa entirely into less regulated countries. Noted economist, Peter Wegman, Professor at the University of Tasman has stated, “While it is certainly time to see concern for the environment a focus of this government, the effect of such a short implementation time shouldn’t be ignored. The resulting job loss could very well be devastating to the economy.”

Paul Hasselhoff, CEO of Davidson Chemicals, a subsidiary of BioChem, one of the country’s largest pharmaceutical companies, has stated, “The proposed emission regulations are verging on draconian. To attribute pollution solely to the industries of Kangarawa is completely absurd. Until we can work as a region to enforce such regulations, an unfair burden is being placed on our corporation, making it virtually impossible for us to compete in the regional market.”

(cont. on pg. 2)

Communication Blackout

April 22, 2007
Paul Sutherland

Sources in the Ministry of Defence have indicated a complete breakdown of communications between the Grand Duchy of Reziel and the Ministry. Specialists have tried to trace what is currently being referred to as a “systems failure” but with no success. Both countries are engaged in mock “War Games” in the Grand Duchy in order to decide upon the feasibility of building joint military installations in both countries.

(cont. on pg. 6)

Source of Salmonella Outbreak Determined

March 24, 2007
Steve Mills

The Ministry of Health in Lanarcus has issued a warning today indicating that the recent outbreak of salmonella poisoning was traced back to contaminated salad dressing. Mercy Foods has notified all stores to pull all bottles of Mercy brand “Finely Seasoned Mayonnaise”, and has issued a recall for all bottles dated after February 25, 2007.

The Tasman Daily Telegram

Unemployment Figures Reach an All-time High

The Department of Statistics Kangarawa announced today that the unemployment figures for the last quarter reached an all-time high of 11.3%. Analysts have explained that the figure is illusory. Seasonal lay-offs have just begun at the same time as a majority of those University students who pioneered the new three and a half year program are looking for work. Stats Kang insists that … (cont. on pg. 2)

Explosion Demolishes Parking Lot

Staff Reporter
Paul Sutherland

Residents of a small tenement house off Norwell Drive close to the Bristol Heights Subway Terminal have complained for years that the small lot in which they park their cars is a beacon for street kids and gang members. It would appear that they will no longer have cause for complaint. The lot itself, in the rear of Nicholl’s Grocery Store and the Crown ‘n’ Anchor Pub, and accessible from either the rear door of the tenement building or the alley between the grocer’s and the Pub, was the site of a major explosion two nights ago. Four teens were found dead at the scene. Identities have not yet been released. Nicholl’s Grocery Store sustained approximately 10 000 Wazoos worth of damage, while the Pub escaped relatively unscathed. Police are still investigating the cause of the explosion.

Suicide Attempt?

Staff Reporter
Brenda Corrigan

Police are asking for any witnesses in what appears to be an attempted suicide at the Bristol Heights Subway Terminal early Tuesday morning. The victim, now identified as 29 year-old Sydney Anne Benjamin apparently jumped to her death in front of the eastbound train pulling into the station at 3:20 a.m. The conductor of the train, Julie Markus, is of the belief that there were other passengers around the victim at the time of the accident. So far no witnesses have come forward.

Gangland Style Slayings

Staff Reporter
Brenda Corrigan

Police are once again asking for the assistance of the general public. In the early hours of the morning two bodies were fished out of the water near the main pier in Tasman Harbour. According to Police Spokesman Detective Constable Steven O’Brien the bodies had been in the water for more than thirty-six hours. No other details have been released. Anyone who saw any suspicious activity near the docks anytime over the last seventy-two hours is asked to report their sightings to the Police at 82-TIPS. All callers may remain anonymous.

The Tasman Daily Telegram

Accountability in Healthcare

Staff Reporter
Steven Vanderloft

In an unprecedented move, the Government passed legislation today which will allow the Office of the Ombudsman, currently Tony Billings, to have oversight powers over all hospitals, long-term care facilities, nursing homes and child protection services. While the legislation passed through the Lower House with ease, it has been stalled for the last three months in the Upper House. Forms of this legislation have been introduced time and time again by the Mappins’ government, always passing through the Lower House only to be defeated in the Upper House. Proponents of the legislation are cheering the move as a victory for Mappins who has been pushing for greater accountability in all institutions receiving public funding.

While there would seem to be no question that this should be the case in a socialist country, this will be the first time in thirty-eight years that any form of transparency … (cont. on pg. 2)

Twisters Kill Eight

Staff Reporter
Paul Sutherland

A fresh wave of tornadoes ripped through Corin County late yesterday, a day after a tornado all but destroyed the village of Tabolah, killing eight and injuring dozens more. The Kangarawan Weather Service said it had received reports “well into the double digits” of twisters touching down in six counties. The sheer number of reports had forecasters scrambling as they issued warnings.

The new storms forced rescuers to abandon search efforts yesterday outside Waboh where … (cont. on pg. 6)

Scythes’ Family Funeral Scheduled

Press Release

The private funeral for the family of Vice President Chantal Scythes will be held at St. Christopher’s Chapel on Thursday May 10. Late last evening the Fire Marshall released his report indicating that the blaze was the result of faulty wiring. The Coroner’s office released the bodies early this morning. In lieu of flowers, donations to the Kangarawan “Save the Children” Fund in memory of the family would be greatly appreciated.

Tabloid disputes Fire Marshall’s Report

Staff Reporter
Brenda Corrigan

The “Tasmanian Teller”, Tasman city’s biggest selling tabloid, published a story last night alleging that the Fire Marshall knowingly released a false report. According to the editor of the “Teller”, Jonathon Banks, a source inside the Fire Marshall’s office alleges that the fire that killed the family of Vice President Scythes was arson. Evidence allegedly supporting this claim was provided to the tabloid in the form of pictures of melted windows, char patterns on walls and other details. The Fire Marshall could not be reached for comment.