Unusual and urgent request

[drakkengard]

Hi folks. I have and exam in the sunday and part of it is to write an essay in english. So, in order to train for it, i took a subject suggested in a blog and wrote an essay about it. I ask to those with time to spare to read it and reply with comments about grammar, structure and/or if i managed to stay on the topic

The statement:

“Our world has been passing through a serious financial crisis that has been compared to the 1929’s one. Do you agree with this point of view? What can we learn from the events concerning to this crisis?”

My essay:

It is well know that our world has been passing through a serious financial crisis since last September and, as even now there is no sign of recovery from our current status, many started to compare it to the one faced in the 1929´s.
In fact, the latest news over this subject paints a grim scenario for the global economy. Over the last few weeks, many countries started to discuss protective measures concerning only their own markets, even though most experts in economy advises that such procedures will only aggravate the crisis for everyone, since the already shaken world trade would be even more severely disrupted.
Additionally, the current crisis is also worsened by the increasing number of demission occurring over the world, especially among the industries. While this is understandable given the huge financial loss sustained by many multinational companies in the last trimester, the growing number of unemployed causes a shrink over world´s consumer base, threatening to take most companies into never ending spiral of reduced sales.
However, claiming that we face a crisis as dire as the 1929´s one might be an exaggeration, given the difference between both political moments (tension between two world wars against two decades of relative peace after the end of the cold war), and the experience we have from facing and overcoming the 1929´s crisis.
Therefore, while it is too soon to compare the current financial crisis with the 1929´s one, mistakes that might worsen the global economy even further already have been made, and others may happen on the near future. But even though both a better political scenario and a previous experience couldn´t prevent another crisis, wise decisions from our world leaders might lessen its effects.
So, the greatest lesson we can take from this is that one shouldn´t have wealth as sole supporter of one´s hopes and dreams, because it is a fleeting asset that in the past, present and the future, can be threatened by happenings beyond the control of any single person.

[Mallumo]

I really hope this helped. I proofread the document, and made some changes in paragraph structure and the way you address the names of the years. I genuinely hope this does not seem arrogant - instead, I am really trying to help.

It is well know that our world has been passing through a serious financial crisis since last September and, as even now there is no sign of recovery from our current status, many started to compare it to the one faced in the 1930´s.

In fact, the latest news over this subject paints a grim scenario for the global economy. Over the last few weeks, many countries started to discuss protective measures concerning only their own markets, even though most experts in economy advises that such procedures will only aggravate the crisis for everyone, since the already shaken world trade would be even more severely disrupted.

Additionally, the current crisis is also worsened by the increasing number of demission occurring over the world, especially among the industries. While this is understandable given the huge financial loss sustained by many multinational companies in the last trimester, the growing number of unemployed individuals causes a shrink over world’s consumer base, threatening to take most companies into never ending spiral of reduced sales.

However, claiming that we face a crisis as dire as the 1930´s one might be an exaggeration, given the difference between both political moments (tension between two world wars against two decades of relative peace after the end of the cold war), and the experience we have from facing and overcoming the 1929 crisis.

Therefore, while it is too soon to compare the current financial crisis with the 1929 crisis, mistakes that might worsen the global economy even further already have been made, and others may happen on the near future. But even though both a better political scenario and a previous experience couldn’t prevent another crisis, wise decisions from our world leaders might lessen its effects.

So, the greatest lesson we can take from this is that one shouldn’t have wealth as sole supporter of one’s hopes and dreams, because it is a fleeting asset that in the past, present and the future, can be threatened by happenings beyond the control of any single person.

[drakkengard]

Thanks for such a quick reply! And you´re not being arrogant, just helpful. Thanks again

[Kelssek]

“It is well known that our world has been passing through a serious financial crisis”

I don’t believe your use of “passing” is wrong, but most people would use the word “going” instead. “Passing through” implies a definite location, e.g. “I will be passing by Kingston on my way to Toronto”.

“by the increasing number of demission occurring over the world”

Are you perhaps referring to mass lay-offs, meaning the firing of workers for cost-cutting reasons? If so, “demission” is a rather awkward term to use; it’s not one I see often. I would suggest:

“Additionally, the current crisis is also worsened by the increasing number of lay-offs occurring over the world, especially in manufacturing industries.”

“The industries” is vague as it can mean the entire economy, whereas from the context it sounds like you’re referring to the manufacturing sector, which is the production of physical goods like cars, electronics, etc.

“even though most experts in economicsadvise that such actions will only aggravate the crisis for everyone”

Alternatively, “economists”, “economic experts” or “experts on the economy”. “Economics” is the academic field which studies the economy, economists are people who are experts in that field. Also, your use of “procedures” is not entirely wrong, but “actions” might be preferable since “procedures” implies a series of well-established actions, like pilots following a checklist, which is probably not the case with government economic policies.

“the growing number of unemployed individuals is causing the shrinking of the world’s consumer base, threatening to take most companies into a never ending spiral of reduced sales”

This is an ongoing event, so the present continuous tense (causing) should be used rather than the simple present tense (causes). I should also point out that “never ending” as two seperate words is not wrong, but it has become more common to hypenate them (never-ending).

“and others may happen in the near future”

“one shouldn´t have wealth as the sole supporter of one´s hopes”"

Finally, I don’t know if contractions are acceptable to your teachers; I was taught not to use them in formal writing.

Hope that helped, however keep in my that my only qualification is that it’s my native language.

[drakkengard]

Thanks a lot, Kelssek. Surely you helped. https://groups.tapatalk-cdn.com/smilies/52127/1536592186.2827-smiley.gif?ttinline=true