Fellow TEPers, I come to us all with heavy and saddened heart. This is a dark and troubled moment for our great region and each one’s help is needed.
I am almost embarassed to bring this to your attention… but as a standing officer I have to do what has to be done.
Because our sacred halls have been violated by a criminal. This individual is guilty of such a terrible sin that it can be barely whispered. But troubled times need brave citiziens… so, here am I.
I declare a quest to be started by all heroes willing to be of help. The one who’ll find out WHERE the Crown has been hidden by the unnameable traitor will be awarded and given a mighty prize (at Todd’s expenses, obviously)!
So I am told. I might be able to locate it. Can I haz prize now?
— End quote
According to my personal :ph43r: :ph43r: :ph43r: :ph43r: , YOU are credited to be the thief, so you cannot have the prize.
— End quote
On the contrary, it appears Bluto has a very suspicious-looking hat nowadays. Perhaps we should secretly obtain a search warrant? Just for his head, not his person, lol.
Bad idea. Bad idea. OMG. Bad idea. Really. Never ask for anything you’re not prepared to deal with.
As now I have been formally charged with the alleged crime of the grand theft of the Crown-o-Rez, I hereby convene this Ad Hoc Assembly of gawkers, lolly gaggers, and durn fools to Special Session.
Trial-o-Barb
Order of Proceedings
Smigol shall be charged with the essential duties of catering this trial with tasty beverages (age appropriate, of course), popcorn and snacks (Psst: you can get Bluto to do almost anything for a plate of taquitos), and for screaming “This is an outrage” at awkward and inappropriate moments.
Rez shall serve as witness as it Rez who has been - allegedly - so horribly wronged and is bereft of his most sacred crown for whom we all collectively mourn.
Obligatory Plea for Chicanery, Backstabbing, Bribes, and unholy alliances. And taquitos. My counsel needs taquitos. Oh and this is a bench trial with no damn jurors with flights of fancy Facebooking and IMing during arguments. That really ticks me off. And NO motions for change of venue or “how can a judge be the defendant” or any such silly objections. They are WAIVED.
We shall open, appropriately, with opening arguments. I request that Barrister Todd present his case in summary - or at length, it’s RP, what do we care - whilst I munch on this popcorn from this shiny bowl. He doesn’t have to be a barrister, I just think he looks hot in a wig.
Following Todd’s initial blather, we shall here from Bluto on the state of the defense (such as it is) and then there will be stuff I say and stuff you do. Capiche?
Whispers: Okay, now Rez, make sure you have your finest set of worn-out crutches and a neck brace. Get some shoe polish and put it around your eye so it looks like you have a black eye for good measures. And prepare a good sob story
Ahem!! Cough cough I mean… I mean I’ll prepare an opening statement tomorrow on the matter!
Todd grips his lapels as he paces back and forth in the courtroom. It was a sunny day, and the open windows and fans going near the walls did little to move the hot air in the room. Some held fans and waved them in front of themselves, others simply took the heat in stride and were simply hoping the trial wouldn’t take too long. After all, it wasn’t like they were getting paid to be here.
“Ladies and gentlemen,” he finally began, “it pains my to bring to your attention of the alleged pilfering of Reziel’s Vizier Crown. But is it alleged? I personally believe it is an open and shut case. I’m here today to prove to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that my client, our dear Reziel, was hoodwinked by the accused and had his crown stolen! Not only that, but my client has informed me he was also assaulted as the criminal act took place! Clearly the perpetrator wanted, nay, demanded that very crown from his being, the fled the scene of the crime!”
He paused as murmuring could be heard in the confines of the courtroom. “My client states this happened within the hallowed halls of our Magisterium. As our legislature was debating over the approval of a citizen nominated to become an arbiter, Reziel was seeking to approve said nomination. True, he was trespassing in our legislature’s hallowed halls, but that is not why we are here, ladies and gentlemen. What happened next, as he will tell you, is an assailant approached his person, then assaulted him and stole his crown! And that person is sitting in this courtroom right now!”
Barb slammed her gavel so hard it bounced out of her hand, whizzed past Todd’s head and nearly knocked Smigol’s giant tray of taquitos over. It struck Bluto in the forehead. He continued munching taquitos as if nothing happened. The courtroom collectively gasped. Well, not the court room itself, the people in it.
"First, this opening argument-thingy is a change of venue. I demand that this be done improperly and not so backasswards.
Someone PM me the link to the off topic trial thread we had already started. We must get our house in order with the merging of those disorderly posts with this thread. Actually we don’t have to, but I like shiny Admin buttons and I’ve been itching to see how they work. That and it was clever and Todd’s sudden oratorical outburst WAS supposed to the opening argument for the prostitution.
Prosecution. Bluto! Stop eating taquitos, bring me my gavel, stop putting dirty words in my judicial files and get to work on my defense. I mean there’s no ‘Barb stands accused’ statement, no popcorn specific criminal code references, this Presecutorial grandstanding has got to stop or nothing will ever get done.
We’re running a tight ship here. Smigol, do be a dear and refresh my vodka tonic."
wipes hands off on dirty sweatshirt, picks up gavel and tosses it back to Barb
belches loudly
“Sorry,” Bluto said, gripping his lapels as he paced back and forth on the defense’s barrister table. It was a funny day, and the open windows and fans going near the windows were screaming at Bluto, taking cell phone pictures of him and Facebooking. Some held fans and waved them in front of themselves, others simply collapsed hoping the trial wouldn’t take too long. After all, it wasn’t like they were ticked off Chicago Bulls fans who might hate LeBron James more than Cleveland fans do.
“MiLady, Prosecutor McCloud, assembled rabble, and Rez. Rez for whom our heart quivers like a hummingbird’s eyebrow. Rez, bereft of his dear crown and/or glory, snatched away with popcorn intact. It is for Rez we gather here. To right a wrong…”
Bluto leaps off table for dramatic effect and approaches the bench, then turns waving his arms and honking like a goose
"To find justice for our dear Rez!’ he shouts. “Trial thread title not withstanding, this was not pilfering, NAY! I tell you. NAY! This was the grand theft of family jewels! JUSTICE MUST BE DONE and the foul wretch who did this should spend years in the dock considering the the waywardness of his or her ways.”
raising one eyebrow, Bluto turns to Todd and says in a hushed tone
Please tell the court who was besmirching our fine upstanding Magisternum in the first place with their nonsense and - most importantly - who stands accused."
