Bailiff handcuffs Bluto to chair and hands him a taquito. Bluto squeals.
“I recognize this type, MiLady, never get one’s hand too close to their mouth or you might come back a few fingers short.”
Bailiff slams windows shut and fans outside shout, “Pig! Down with you Mister Man!” and turns on court room air conditioning Todd left out of his initial post for dramatic effect.
“There’s only one thing worse than Bluto, Mister Prosecutor, sweaty Bluto. You may proceed in comfort.”
A bowl of taquitos almost has fallen onto the ground. However the sauce had spilled on Smigol’s suit. A loud “Kurwa maæ, my new suit! This is an outrage!” has been heard from where he was sitting. Oh, crap, hopefully noone can understand Polish. I don’t think I can swear in court he thought to himself. Seeing as nobody tried to do something, and that everyone just carried on with the case, he decided to wash of the sauce from his pants.
He tried to reach for a water.
And then he remembered, that he was in charge of bringing the beverages. And he did! Beers, vodka, wines. There was a gin on the second table. There was a two different bottles of scotch. There were many, many types of alcohol (though no tequila. He always remembered the famous words “Never drink tequila”).
Anyway, now that he looked at that, some water, or even a juice would also be
helpful. However since there was no water, he decided to wash off the spot with a vodka. Smigol started to open a bottle, when Barb asked him to refresh his vodka tonic.
Vodka tonic? He mixes vodka with something? huh…Dunno how to do that. Ah, I’ll just pour him only vodka. He’ll live. and so he did. Soon Barb’s glass was full of vodka. Then Smigol got back to cleaning his pants
Hey, nice cocktail Smigol. Whatever objections previously raised are denied on grounds that it took me several minutes to figure out how to merge this thread with the old one and now I’m exhausted.
Call a witness or I call a recess.
*Reziel realizes Todd is snoring, takes bucket full of water and splashes Todd in the face, then pushes him towards the center of the judicial arena
“Go and earn your wage, Lord McCloud of Clan McCloud! Everyone has witnessed the crime, so just point your finger and call a blessed witness!”
“This is an outrage, how can you splash him with a water, and then force him to testify? You call it stimulation, I call it water-boarding!” Says Smigol, who is now standing up, still cleaning his pants.
“Besides you say that everybody has witnessed the crime! Well, I didn’t. I think it’s outrageous to force such an acceleration of the trial, which should be slow, fair and true! WITHOUT such unsupported accusations!” Said Smigol hiding an envelope full of money, he got from Interloper.
Wait, how can B@rb be the judge and the defendant at the same time? Isn’t that a conflict of interest, and in that case shouldn’t the whole cast of the trial be rearranged, or whatever is the legal term.
(Also for some reason B@rb’s name was changed by some filter into the Interloper. Admins think they are funny again.)
Todd grips his lapels like a southern gentlemen (for some reason) and addresses the court.
“I wish to call my first witness, Reziel, to the stand!”
Testing testing 123 Interloper
Oh very funny. Actually that’s why I like TEP - one day you’re a wiener and the next you’re me. Wait. Is that REALLY very funny? Nevermind.
Smigol’s objection is sustained. There will be no water boarding, black boarding, white boarding, or frog boarding in this court room.
Lazlow’s motion to unseat the judge due to a potential conflict of interest is denied. Asked and answered actually, if you bothered to read the merged thread. I anticipated that someone would raise the issue of the accused being the judge and have already ruled there’s no palpable conflict of interest or tangible conflict of interest and no one has paid me a red cent to sit up here and yell at you and bark out drink orders.
slips Smigol a fiver
Keep 'em coming, sweetheart, we’re in for a bumpy ride.
A monkey could preside over this trial, really. I mean, my own counsel is Bluto and has already done more damage to my case than the alleged stealing of Rez’s snazzy headgear. The recent restoration work is quite exquisite.
So I have been lead to believe.
I suggest that Soggy Todd of Clan McCloud do some fancy talk and interview his witness before my snoring counsel rises from his taquito-induced nap.
“The Admins ARE funny!” shouted the Bailiff. “The judge paid me to say that.”
Bluto, momentarily startled by the outburst, crawled under the table for the Defense, dragging the chair he was handcuffed to with him. Assuming fetal position, he resumes his nap.
MiLady, the Prosecution haz called Reziel as first witness. Please place whatever hand is dominant on this stack of Mad magazines and repeat after me:
I Bernard Flapdoodle,
President of the Funny Names Society of North America…
No wait. Wrong oath. Sorry.
I, Reziel
Grand Vizier of The East Pacific already
wearer of a most sacred crown
and a person of unimpeachable character
and spot-on memory
do solemnly swear
to tell who whole truth
nothing but the truth
so anyway.
Todd waits for his witness to recite the oath and hopes his neckbrace will help sell the act of abuse within the hallowed halls of the Magisterium.
The court will now here from the witness for the prosecution.
Reziel, please utter some sort of oath and get on with it.
Popcorn anyone? Just made a fresh bowl.
“No thanks,” Todd replied. “I’m content with my beans and mint julip, I do declare!” He seemed to be becoming more and more of a southern gentleman as the trial progressed.
Motion to dismiss this madness on the grounds that the popcorn bowl wearing Vizzy-thing isn’t abusing testosterone, no wait, giving testimony.
Both are grounds. One is probably better than the other.
MiLady, assembled Lords, Ladies, gentlemen, gentle women, and people drinking on the job.
Ignore that idiot.
points at Bluto
I didn’t have to be a Bailiff, you know. I had dreams. My parents had dreams. Old Mrs. Dalrymple scrubbed her hands to the bone in our Birmingham diner to send me off to boarding school. I passed my exams, you know. Oxford, Cambridge - all within my grasp.
It was a manly pursuit, a profession of honor and scientific glory. Leaping from bush to shrub along the Thames, the mighty Columbia, the Amazon, the Nile - with me little jars and big net in me hand. Where or where did I go wrong?
The mighty stag beetle, the yellow jacket, the icky poop harvesting scarab, the Monarch, that giant blue moth whose name I can’t remember. Me in my pith helmet and my favorite girlie by my side. I’d sing, sing, sing!
OOOOOOH
I’m an entomologist and and I’m OK,
I sleeps all night and I works all day!
I hunts them down
I catches bugs
I pin them in a box!
Now I have to bang me gavel.
bang
SHADDDUP!
The prosecution has the floor (except the part Bluto’s sleeping on) and Reziel has the next move. Tell us, dear Vizier, what happened.
*Reziel suddenly wakes up
Uh? Oh? Where OBJECTION! Ah no, wait.
*Reziel takes oily McDonalds paper the Bailiff is handing him and mutters the oath IRezielGrandVizierofTheEastPacificalreadywearerofamostsacredcrownandapersonofunimpeachablecharacterandspot-on memorydosolemnlyswear (*Reziel breathes) totellwhowholetruthnothingbutthetruthsoanyway
What what happened? (*Reziel sobs) Your Honor, I was there, in the sacred Halls of the Magisterium, wondering why we should go on paying the Magisters if NOBODY was there doing Magisterial work, when I was SUDDENLY and TREACHEROUSLY (*Reziel shivers in fear) assaulted by someone who was using sneaky tactics to surprise me.
And and a moment after the CROWN WAS GONE! (*Reziel tries to hold back tears) And I was so sad! The crown of popcorns! How could I have accomplished my Vizierish duties, without the popcorns? HOW? (*Reziel cries)
But then then Ive found THIS! (*Reziel waves handwritten papersheet) The thiefs blueprints, Your Honor! Look!
The court expresses its collective outrage at this heinous crime. It’s all the outrage I could collect in short notice. Might buy you a happy meal. Kudos for the fastest oath-taking in my judicial career.
The prosecution has presented a compelling emotional appeal. This is not evidence. As for that paper evidence, I trust it has been subject to strict chain of custody and rigorous forensic voodoo. I trust this man McCloud, a bit of a shady past a girl can warm up to along with smashing good looks and skills with polymers.
The court finds that a crime has been committed as Reziel is not wearing his traditional TEP issue Vizier millinery. The court further finds that as a matter of law, snatching a crown from a Vizier is a crime against the region. These findings of fact and law shall be entered into the record of this proceeding.
Well, not actually a record, but Bailiff will be selling CDs and DVDs in the lobby after the show, erm, trial along with other manatee merch. The “free the manatee” wife beater t-shirts are a hot item I’ve been told. But I digress.
The Bailiff shall free the prisoner - I mean unshackle my counsel - to question the witness.
GBFP unlocks Bluto’s handcuffs and waves a taquito in front of his face
She said heinous.
Ahem. Everyone keep their pants on. At least until the after party. Smigol’s catering - ought to be a real event. Vizier Reziel, please explain to the court:
What shenanigans you and the accused were up to at the time of the theft of your crown. Here’s your opportunity to dish: tell us what Barb’s really like. If you know. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
How you came to possess this compelling but entirely circumstantial and admittedly hysterical physical evidence that smells like a quarter pounder with cheese. Which in itself lends it credibility in my book.
Why the heck are you wearing that neck brace Todd gave you during the opening arguments? Are you under medical care? Are pain killers involved? Can you spare a poor brother with a crushing ailment perhaps a handful of those?
(Crushing ailment = weakness for pain killers)
And finally…
5. King Crimson or Cream?
“Also, how did you come in possession of this evidence!? Why didn’t you present it earlier?! THIS IS AN OUTRAGE!” Smigol hit the table with his fist
Smigol thought for a second, and then said
“Well, this certainly shows that Barb cannot be the thief! Look, here, at the right-top corner of the page”
“It says, that the thief is not Barb! The question is - WHO IS!?”
Then, when he was sitting down, he looked at barb, who was holding another fat envelope. Smigol was happy. He earned money!
Todd grips his collar and tugs a bit. “Well, answer the questions, Rez. And if you strain your neck from speaking too much, that’s okay. I’m sure the court understands you’re still in pain after being assaulted.”
He slicks back his hair with his hand. “Hmm… Danger McCloud sounds like a pretty cool name if I do say so myself!”
He then proceeds to spaz out like a nerd and nab a few tacitos.
