TRIAL: Pilfering

Roleplay Library Alternate Timelines / AU RP Library
41

Todd, stop gripping your collar. It is an effective dramatic gesture, but now it’s getting kind of wrinkly. I do as a general courtroom practice prefer it to Bluto (or anyone) honking like a goose. Or vigorously polishing their glasses.

[EDIT: those following US politics insert Anthony Wiener joke here /EDIT]

Alas dear Smigol, things are not always as they appear. It is the height of respectable jurisprudence to keep an open mind during the evidence phase of a trial.

I don’t give a fig for respectability, truth be told, but I like to opine.

Cross examination has been fudged - I mean conducted - by defense counsel Bluto and we are now waiting (impatiently) for the witness to respond.

@Smigol: love the animations.

@Reziel: did I snatch your crown or not, man? Inquiring minds want to know.

42

— Begin quote from ____

Ahem.  Everyone keep their pants on.  At least until the after party.  Smigol’s catering - ought to be a real event. Vizier Reziel, please explain to the court:

— End quote

— Begin quote from ____

1.  What shenanigans you and the accused were up to at the time of the theft of your crown.  Here’s your opportunity to dish: tell us what Barb’s really like.  If you know.  If you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

— End quote

I’m sure there is a loophole somewhere in the Fifth Amendment which prevents Gentlemen like me to reveal spicy details about Ladies.

— Begin quote from ____

2.  How you came to possess this compelling but entirely circumstantial and admittedly hysterical physical evidence that smells like a quarter pounder with cheese.  Which in itself lends it credibility in my book.

— End quote

I found it on the floor as soon as I finished my coffee and I realized the crown had been stolen. A big “DO NOT MISS BARBTHIEF’S LOST BLUEPRINTS!” arrow in acid-yellow was near it. Hadn’t it been there, I would have probably missed the papersheet because of my sadness. In that moment I’ve seen Barb the thief disappearing between the mists of her sneaky tactics. Please note both the coffee and the sneaky tactics are EXPRESSLY quoted in the blueprint, which should add even more credibility to my eyewitnessing.

— Begin quote from ____

3.  Why the heck are you wearing that neck brace Todd gave you during the opening arguments?  Are you under medical care?  Are pain killers involved?  Can you spare a poor brother with a crushing ailment perhaps a handful of those?

— End quote

*Reziel shakes head] No medical care is involved, sorry. That’s a standard part of the Vizierish uniform. You know… it’s for the leashes. The Delegate needs them while he goes all around pretending that Viziers are free and aimed at counterbalancing the dictatiorial and unlimited Delegate’s powers.

— Begin quote from ____

4.  What’s your favorite color?

— End quote

Blue!

— Begin quote from ____

5.  King Crimson or Cream?

— End quote

KC the whole life!

43

Dang. He’s good.

44

Oh thanks for that. Nice to know who your friends are.

The accused gets the final closing argument.

Soggy Bottom Todd and Clan McCloud, the evidence has been heard, buried, prayed over and mourned, exhumed, set on fire, subjected to a Tibetan sky funeral, had a cap popped in its head, dissected, and writ large across the collective conscience of this region.

Make with the convincing argument for the conviction and sentencing of the accused.

Smigol! The pizza puffs are a delight. I’ll have a nice Merlot this evening.

Pre-emptive ruling: Bluto’s objections to the prosecution’s closing argument are denied. Let Toddly do his magic before you serve me up on a platter.

45

Todd shakes his head. “My play prosecution stint is over before it even began!” He sobs and proceeds to make a mess of his pens and papers.

46

That was moving and delightful.

Bluto! Take a taquito break speechify on why I should not be convicted and sentenced already.

47

pats Todd on the back, gives him a tissue

Don’t feel bad, young man. She does that to a lot of men.

looks for Bluto, finds only taquito wrappers and a receipt for a vacation to Cedar Point theme park in Bluto’s name. Under the table, he spies a crumpled piece of paper, which he retrieves and spreads out before the prosecution

"Seems, MiLady, that your counsel has hightailed it to ride roller coasters and left you holding the crown. I mean bag.

There is also this matter or this troubling bit of “evidence” of unknown origin under his table. Signed by Reziel. Or potentially anyone with Photoshop."

48

This new evidence is not in the initial filings and is subject to the “no bushwhacking” clause of rules of evidence. It should have been disclosed by one or both of the parties prior to commencement of the proceeding.

But sighs I suppose it deserves some rebuttal on the part of the prosecution, as I am no left to represent myself pro se AND preside pro bono over this charade, I mean trial.

Not because that note actually merits anything but teh LULZ. It’s just that I’ve been waiting all my life to use the words bushwhacking and rebuttal in the same ruling.

So give it a look see, Todd and Reziel, and tell me what you think.

Smigol, we’re into extra innings, so I’m popping for some cold brews and sandwiches. A manatee cannot work on an empty stomach.

pssst! Barb whispers to GBFP
“Take my case?”

49

No way.

50

Todd grabs the piece of paper, then the wrapper from before. He then holds it up to the light, squints his eyes, and takes a swig of his mint julip.

“If it pleases the court, there’s no way this could’ve been written by the same hand. In fact, it’s written by two hands!” He then proceeds to write on both papers, then tapes the little paper to the big paper for better viewing. “See? See?”

http://img828.imageshack.us/img828/7834/dence.jpg
“Now I’m not an expert when it comes to handwriting analysis, but one person crosses the z, while the other does not. Now if my client did in fact write both things, why would he change the z when it is in fact in his own name?! The answer: he wouldn’t. Clearly there exists a second perpetrator here. But, if you look at the text of “yours faithfully”, it was written almost exact, almost as if someone had done a copy then paste on their laptop, but that’s impossible since we’re all sitting down in court. Looking further, the two ‘sneaks’ in the general vicinity of each other are nearly spot-on exact too. This was a trace job! So, whoever wrote this second letter couldn’t have been my client, but instead it was someone with access to the first letter and had enough time to allow for a distraction to copy the letter!”

“This puts the blame on Bluto immediately. But Reziel handed the paper to Barb, and after that it doesn’t appear to have moved after that, except when Smig picked the paper up to analyze it further. So unless Bluto has an uncanny photographic memory or have phenomenal vision, he has to be ruled out. GBFP is in the same boat - never had enough time to look and compare the papers. It can therefore be the work of only two people, yes, two people who had possession of the first paper for an extended period of time!” He points his finger menacingly. “Barb and Smigol!”

51

— Begin quote from ____

I’m not an expert when it comes to handwriting analysis

— End quote

This goes without saying, but you said it anyway.

The original would be considered shameful and an insult to our intelligence if it wasn’t so freaking funny. So the defense stipulates to the authenticity of the original burger wrapper blueprint and it’s origin - which if memory serves me (and if it doesn’t, I’m too lazy to re-read the thread, which is why I rarely RP) - which is that Vizier Reziel found it in the hallway of the Magisterium after his crown had gone missing. So defense stipulates its origin without knowing exactly what it was.

If you’re shocked, don’t be. Attorneys do it every day IRL.

Unfortunately the defense failed to argue in its initial filing the gross negligence of the Vizier for allowing his crown to be stolen. I would now be moving to have the entire matter dismissed on the grounds that the Vizier’s crown security practice was so grossly inadequate that it constituted bad faith as an officer of the government of the region and effectively created a constructive enticement for any walkers by who like popcorn. I would be but I can’t put in a closing argument a defense claim not made in filings and trial. So nevermind.

The trip to Cedar Point kicked ass, BTW. I love roller coasters, greasy food, and caffeinated sugary drinks. I categorically deny that it in any way taints my defense. It was a refreshing break from these tedious proceedings.

I have never seen that second note that Sloppy McCloud of the Clan Red Pen has effectively deconstructed into some weird theory that implicates Smigol or Barb based on whether or not someone crosses a Z or not. It was obviously a fake. The defense stipulates it was a fake. The defense has its own theory regarding its origin (not to mention any names, Bailiff), but that is entirely irrelevant to the ultimate fact of this case, which is whodunnit.

Barb, did you take the Vizier’s crown?

52

Yes.

53

The defense calls for the conviction and sentencing of its client for the crime of stealing the Vizier’s crown.

hands crown back to Reziel

54

See what you get when you pay your lawyer in taquitos and tequila? Obviously, the defenses has rested. Through most of the trial. Except for the roller coasters and cotton candy part.
glares at Reziel

The court finds the defendant Barb GUILTY of theft. The convicted party is cautioned to not leave the region during sentencing. Or displaying any extraneous evidence to Opie and Anthony.

Barb is ordered to prepare and present to the court tomorrow a statement regarding the appropriate sentence. The court will now entertain any statements from interested parties regarding the fate of the prisoner.

55

Barb’s Plea

Thank you very much for being here, and good day. I’d like to take this time to clear up some of the questions that have been raised over the past few days and take full responsibility for my actions.

At the outset, I’d like to make it clear that I have made terrible mistakes that have hurt the people I care about the most, and I’m deeply sorry. I have not been honest with myself, my fellow Arbiters, my region and supporters and the feeding frenzy of gawkers stealing our precious snacks.

Three weeks ago on on a Sunday night, I snatched the crown of Vizier Reziel of which I intended to use as a popcorn bowl as part of a joke with Bluto. Once I realized I had posted it in Magisterium, I panicked. I said that I had been hacked. I then continued with that story — to stick to that story, which was a hugely regrettable mistake. This region was unwittingly dragged into this and bears absolutely no responsibility. I am so sorry to have disrupted its in this way.

To be clear, the crown was of Reziel, and I snatched it. I am deeply sorry for the pain this has caused Reziel and my friends, and whomever. In addition, over the past few years, I have engaged in several inappropriate hat snatchings conducted in the halls of TEP government and occasionally on IM with players I had met online. I’ve exchanged messages and millinery of an exquisite nature with about six players over the last three years. For the most part, these communications took place before this trial, though some have sadly took place after. To be clear, I have never met any of these players or had RL relationships at any time.

I haven’t told the truth, and I’ve done things that I deeply regret. I brought pain to people I care about the most and the people who believed in me. And for that I’m deeply sorry. I apologize to the Vizier and our Delegate, as well as to our friends and athletic supporters. I’m deeply ashamed of my terrible judgment and actions.

I came here to accept the full responsibility for what I’ve done. I am deeply regretting what I have done, and I am not resigning.

I have made it clear that I accept responsibility for this. And people who draw conclusions about me are free to do so. I’ve worked for the people of this region for years and in NationStates for years before that, and I hope that they see fit to see this in the light that it is, which is a deeply regrettable mistake.


Barb’s Sentencing
Barb slams her gavel, blows her nose on her robe, and slams her gavel again

Enough! I would like to thank the region for giving me this honor, to Smigol for the fine refreshments, and for all those who contributed to this RP. But enough of this sob story.

The Defendant is found guilty as charged.

Restitution shall be made in the form of refilling Reziel’s now restored crown with popcorn upon request for a period of no more than six months.

Sentence is as follows:[ul]
[li]Barb shall remain Viceroy of the region for at least another 3 or 4 weeks pending election in Conclave of the next Viceory (if you don’t think that’s a punishment, PM me, LOL)
[li]Barb shall be subject to an annual 21 fridge owl salute this day annually to commemorate the shame she brought upon herself and the region
[li]Barb shall be required to wear this funky foam hat at the trial afterparty, which shall commence immediately.
[/li][/ul]


Court is dismissed.