2022 Series One Championship

CLOUD+TV Race stream: Cukish Grand Prix, 13 November 2022. Commentators: Danny Koffee, Mark Barrell, Todd Cabbage (pit lane)

Koffee: Welcome, distinguished guests, to the penultimate race of the Series One World Championship! We’re in [he struggles to pronounce it, and despite his best efforts, his Staynish accent is overwhelming] Órna Çéqi, New Leganés, one island over to the north-east from the World’s Capital, for the Cukish Grand Prix!

Barrell: [in flawless Cukish] Se Órnale Qáber Vía Ftomovíle tazh rámule loítevir-loíter kavíastinóri. Éto kayásfe. [We’ll be racing on the Órnale Qáber Vía Ftomovíle circuit for 66 laps. There won’t be any rain.]

Koffee: I, uh, I totally agree with you there Mark.

Haaland Rusnák has put his Spiiker on pole position, his second of the season, and he lines up alongside the Novia of Kasran is’Vaara. It’s been quite a qualifying session; the championship contenders have been relegated to 3rd and 5th. Matthieu Soyer holds an eight-point lead, but he’s going to have to fight to keep it that way.

Lap 1
Koffee: It’s lights out and away we go! Rusnák gets away well-- is’Vaara very slow off the mark! (Barrell: he might have tripped the anti-stall there). Through the first two corners now, and it looks like he’s down to tenth now, and he’s dragged Pablo Saez with him, who started directly behind and had to take evasive action. Luckily all twenty cars have gotten through that unscathed. (Barrell: Doing better than Arsal already).

Lap 5
Koffee: Down the main straight now, DRS flaps open, Alphonse Dubost making a move on Nákel Intásime. She moves over to the inside, cuts off the overtake-- (Barrell: He’s going for it anyway!) He’s on the grass, and they make contact! Flying across the track, is’Vaara behind nearly gets tagged as well, and into the barriers on the other side of the road. Heavy impact there, but they’re both moving, they’re both getting out of their cars. (Barrell: Now that was never going to work, was it.)

TEAM RADIO: #13, Nákel INTÁSIME, Tauríllielle Ftomovíler:

INT: Hwilúka! [idiot!] He should work on a construction site, if he wants to drive a bulldozer so badly!

Lap 18
Barrell: There’s a yellow flag out in Sector 2. (Koffee: That’s Mikal Christoffersen!) There’s a lot of smoke coming out of the back of that Metropol. He’s out of the car - and good thing too, because that’s now on fire. (Koffee: That’s two races in a row now where Christoffersen won’t be seeing the checkered flag.) And here comes a virtual safety car, and the marshalls with the fire extinguishers.

Lap 52
Cabbage: And there goes Josephina Louzar on the softs. That’ll probably be it from the pit lane, everyone’s now on tyres that can get them to the end of the race. (Koffee: Well not quite, Samatagh is now in the pit entry.) That’s strange, he only pitted last lap. (Koffee: Do they have an issue?) Looks like it, they haven’t brought out any new tyres. And-- yes, they’re turning off the engine. So that’s it for the Mirhaimian rookie. (Barrell: That’s the third time in five races Samatagh’s not finishing a race.) Yeah, the backmarker teams haven’t been having any fun since, oh, probably the Southern Coast.

Lap 66
Koffee: What a drive we’ve seen from Marlan Kalming today, the strategy went off without a hitch. He takes a well-deserved win here at Órna Çéqi. [Somebody has clearly taught him how to pronounce the name during the race.] Pedro Wilson comes in to make it a Morstaybishlian one-two. Haaland Rusnák defending for his life, keeps Matthieu Soyer off of the podium. And with that, Kalming takes the lead of the Drivers’ Championship! He’s going to have a five-point advantage going into the final race in Packilvania in two weeks’ time. Make sure you’re tuned in to CLOUD+TV to catch all the action as it happens, it’s gonna be one hell of a show.

s1-22-stakes

CLOUD+TV Race stream: Packilvanian Grand Prix, 27 November 2022. Commentators: Danny Koffee, Mark Barrell, Todd Cabbage (pit lane)

Koffee: Welcome one and all, to the final race of the Series One World Championship! We’re here in Kemer, Packilvania, to decide both the Drivers’ Championship and the Constructors’ Championship. The two contenders, Marlan Kalming and Matthieu Soyer, are neck-and-neck in the standings, with 321 and 316 points respectively. Spiiker Squadron has the edge in both championships, but they enjoy a much less stressful thirty-nine point lead over Novia in the Constructors’.

Matthieu Soyer has put his Novia into pole position, and and is joined on the front row by Haaland Rusnák. The top six drivers are separated by less than a tenth of a second, and his teammate Marlan Kalming came out on the short end of that stick, and lines up in fifth. He’s going to have a hell of a drive ahead of him if he wants to keep any of his five-point lead. And he’ll need to keep it- Soyer’s won eight grands prix this year over Kalming’s six, so if they tie on points, Soyer will win on count-back. As it stands, if either driver wins here at Istariya today, they’ll take home the Champion’s trophy. And if Matthieu Soyer doesn’t win, he’s going to need to keep Marlan Kalming at least a couple cars behind. It’s all to play for.

Lap 1
Koffee: It’s lights out and away we go! Haaland Rusnák gets away very well, and that start will make all the difference, because it’s a very long straight down to the first corner, and he’s already ahead of Soyer. And as we all know very well by now, there’s a lot of championship points between first and second. The Bernitti-Domios are wheel-to-wheel going into the chicane, and Wilson slips ahead of his teammate, Pablo Saez, who tries to get the switchback-- and gets it all wrong out of turn three, he’s spun himself around, bringing out the yellow flags. Through goes Kalming, Glemzaite, is’Vaara… Now to rejoin the track safely- he slots neatly in between the two Tauríllielles, but he’s down in thirteenth now. This could be the golden opportunity that Kasran is’Vaara needs to take fourth place in the Drivers’ Championship.

Lap 6
Barrell: Yellow flag in the first sector. (Koffee: One of the Tauríllielles.) That’s Nákel Intásime’s car going very slowly down the second straight. (Koffee: What a terrible end to her season, after getting crashed out by Dubost two weeks ago at her home grand prix.) Over the last two races she’s done all of eleven laps. Tauríllielle Ftomovíler will be looking very hard at the reliability and durability of the car over the new-year break. (Koffee: They’re taking their time with the safety car…) Yeah, looks like she’s pulled off in a convenient-enough location, off the track and away from the run-off area. They’ll probably only need the yellow flags to get that cleared away. (Koffee: And the marshalls are already pushing it behind the barriers.) Very quickly and cleanly done by the Packilvanian stewards there. This is our first ever race here but they move as if they’ve been doing it their whole lives.

Lap 29
Koffee: …and if you’re a CLOUD-Z customer you can press the red button to view highlights of the race alongside the live action itself. As it stands, on Lap 33, Haaland Rusnák leads with a five-second gap from Matthieu Soyer, then Kasran is’Vaara, Pedro Wilson, and Marlan Kalming in fifth, with the fastest lap extra point. If this holds, Soyer will win the Championship by a margin of just two points-- and Kalming divebombs down the inside of Wilson! What a move-- and he holds off the switchback, he’s up into fourth place! So, what’s that mean-- (Barrell: They’ll be tied-- three hundred and thirty four points each, which will mean Matthieu Soyer will win it on countback, 'cos he’s won more races.) This is absolutely incredible stuff. And Kalming’s already holding the fastest lap point, so if he wants to win he’ll need to get past Kasran is’Vaara, that is to say, Soyer’s new Novia teammate.

TEAM RADIO: #22, Matthieu SOYER, Novia Racing

SOY: Tell Kasran to defend - like a lion!

TEAM RADIO: #34, Kasran IS’VAARA, Novia Racing

PIT: We must defend against Kalming, OK? We need to keep Kalming behind us as much as you can. Elbows out!

Lap 33
Koffee: Kalming now has DRS on is’Vaara for the third lap running, but is’Vaara swoops round and covers off the overtake. He’s losing a lot of time to the cars in front, but crucially he’s keeping Kalming behind him. (Barrell: He knows what his job is today, and that’s to help–) And that’s a yellow flag, sector one again. And that’s a lot of smoke coming out of the back of that Metropol! (Barrell: You want to talk about bad endings to a season, that’s the third race in a row that Mikal Christoffersen is not going to see the checkered flag - and the second race in a row where that’s because his car’s caught fire.) And that is going to ensure that he ends the season at the bottom of the table, having scored just one single point back in the Federation in August. (Barrell: And that’ll ensure a virtual safety car.) The race is neutralised, all cars reduce their speed by forty percent, no overtaking-- (Barrell: Wait hang on, when did–) Kalming’s got past is’Vaara! He’s up into third and takes the lead of the Championship! (Barrell: If he’s done that under the safety car, he’s going to have to give that place back.)

[The screens show a replay: the safety car light comes on on the drivers’ dashboards approximately two seconds before Kalming’s overtake]

TEAM RADIO: #28, Marlan KALMING, Spiiker Squadron

PIT: Marlan, so let’s give the position back to is’Vaara. Obviously do that strategically.

[There is an audible crunching noise as Kalming slows down in front of is’Vaara and the two cars crash into each other. Kasran is’Vaara’s front wing is visibly damaged and partially missing]

Koffee: And they’ve touched! They’ve collided-- Marlan Kalming and Kasran is’Vaara, how much damage on is’Vaara’s Novia, what has happened there? Kalming being told to give the place back to is’Vaara, slowed down on the straight, is’Vaara ran into the back of the Spiiker, just what is going on here in Istariya this afternoon?! (Barrell: Marlan left a lot of space to the inside-- but then he accelerated immediately away from it again, didn’t he.)

Lap 34
Barrell: Virtual safety car is ending, and the Novia will have to come into the pits to get a new front wing. (Koffee: He held off a championship contender with DRS on fresher tyres for five laps, that’s a pretty good performance from the West Borean rookie-- and-- and he stays out!) He’s not getting a new front wing! (Koffee: But half of it’s been left on the straight!) Is’Vaara’s going to lose a lot of time going another lap with half a front wing, but if he can somehow keep Marlan Kalming behind him, then so will he. The only reason that Kalming gave the place back immediately rather than after the safety car ended was that he thought is’Vaara was going to pit. And he hasn’t! And if he loses enough time, his final pit stop will put him behind Žydre Glemzaite in the Eclipse, who’s just put on the hard tyres and won’t have to stop again this race.

TEAM RADIO: #28, Marlan KALMING, Spiiker Squadron

KAL: That guy’s ****ing crazy, man.

Koffee: Back up to racing speed now, down the start-finish straight, and is’Vaara is pulling away quickly. (Barrell: Well, his car’s just shed a lot of weight recently, hasn’t it.) Marlan Kalming hanging back for the moment, he knows the Novia is going to be a lot harder to turn now-- and it is, but is’Vaara forces him wide, just about gets his car pointed in the right direction, and sets off at a rate of knots down the second straight.

Barrell: And just in from race control: Black-and-orange flag for car #34- that’s Kasran. He’s now required to come into the pits at the end of this lap to get his front wing changed. (Koffee: And he’ll be wanting to do that anyway, as Kalming has just gotten past him at the hairpin.) But all this has given him a thirty-second deficit to Matthieu Soyer, but crucially, his lead over Žydre Glemzaite in fifth is down to only eight seconds. A pit stop around Istariya costs you about twenty-two seconds, so that’ll put him well behind him - and possibly the Bernittis as well. (Koffee: And Kasran is’Vaara finally comes into the pits and is, realistically speaking, out of the fight.) He’s done all he can, and all Novia can do now is hope that that was enough. Haaland Rusnák is showing no signs of letting Matthieu Soyer catch up to him, so if Soyer stays second, he’s going to need Kalming to finish fourth or lower if he wants to win the Drivers’ Championship. (Koffee: And Marlan Kalming’s Istariya woes are getting worse-- he’s got a five-second time penalty for the collision with is’Vaara.)

Lap 51
Cabbage: Kalming now into the pits. The Spiiker pit crew there waiting anxiously for the five seconds to be up. Official raises his hand, and they can change the tyres. Seven point five seconds all said and done. Best they could have hoped for in this scenario, really.

Koffee: Glemzaite goes through, no surprises there, Kalming on pit exit, he’s wheel to wheel with the Bernitti-Domio of Pedro Wilson, but he squeezes through the inside and takes fourth place. (Barrell: Wilson didn’t fight that particularly hard, did he. Old tyres.)

Lap 59
Koffee: It feels like Kalming’s driving a whole new car now ever since he had his new tyres on. He’s already made the gap up to Žydre Glemzaite, and now he has twelve laps in which to overtake the Eclipse to finish third and win the Drivers’ Championship. Touch wood here, but this should be pretty easy. He won’t even need to take the fastest lap point back from Matthieu Soyer. (Barrell: He can take all the time he needs for this one, the Eclipse has shown great pace in qualifying but they’ve struggled doing more than one lap at a time. They’re currently knocking on the door of fifth place in the Constructors’ Championship-- if Glemzaite manages to keep this third place and Kiha Iveli eighth, they’ll finish the season with one hundred and ten total points, ahead of MetroCiv on one hundred and five, and Tauríllielle on one hundred flat.) Oh and they’ll finish with less than that because that there is Kiha Iveli’s car in a plume of smoke! (Barrell: Commentators’ curse strikes again, I knew I shouldn’t have said anything.) Luckily that’s happened in the stadium section so they can bring the car into the pits to retire.

Cabbage: The Novia pit crew’s running over with their fire extinguishers, and just as well too, because that’s a full-on fire coming out of the back of that car now.

Barrell: Well that’s curtains for Eclipse’s fifth place then- even if Glemzaite can hold off Kalming for the next twelve laps, they’re still going to end up one point shy of MetroCiv, because this retirement means Alphonse Dubost will inherit eighth place, and the two extra points that comes with it.

Koffee: And he’ll have his work cut out for him, as Kalming sends it down the inside, they almost touch-- (Barrell: They do touch–) and Marlan Kalming is inching ahead down the straight, and gets ahead, and stays ahead of Žydre Glemzaite! Of all the drama, of all the controversy, of all the magic moments in Series One in 2022, it comes down to this-- and at this moment, it looks like it’s going to go the way of Marlan Kalming.

Lap 68
Barrell: Marlan Kalming’s done an amazing job making up the gap to Matthieu Soyer these last few laps. The championship’s already in his pocket, so this is all about the glory now. But Soyer won’t let him go easy.

Lap 71
Koffee: …and Kalming sends it divebombing down the inside once again! Why not- it’s worked well for him the rest of the race-- Soyer is forced wide, and makes the cutback, but with DRS open, the Spiiker of Marlan Kalming is just too fast, and down the second straight he gets ahead and stays ahead. And now it’s just the precession to the finish line. Novia will be heartbroken, Spiiker will be delighted - they can cap off their season with a one-two - Kalming and Soyer have shared a brilliant championship battle, but the championship can only be won by one - and it’s going to Morstaybishlia in 2022-- Marlan Kalming, in his first year back from retirement, is champion of the world!

Soyer comes in to finish third, and second in the standings, after leading it for so long, making his Series One career record second in 2020, third in 2021, and now second again in 2022. (Barrell: Well, this year is “twenty-twenty… two”.) …Mark, I don’t even know what to say to that. Well, apart from that it’s been a fantastic season, and I hope to see each and every one of you back here after the new-years break for another great gauntlet of grands prix.